if there is a god, i'm going to make him cry
by goodbones
Summary: Olivia/Amanda throughout the storyline of the show. It starts with 13x01, and will continue through the current season, showing a Rolivia take on what we see with the show and beyond. This is the relationship, development, and (eventually) romance we all deserve to see between them but don't get. Kind of slow-burn but quick updates, so pick your poison. Rated T for now.
1. 13x01 - Scorched Earth

hi! the description pretty much says it all. this will be the start of it all, as it's where they meet. reminder for anyone about what's going on in the show - elliot just left, amanda just got hired, and it's the case about the italian diplomat and the maid. this'll probably be slow burn, but it should go pretty quickly because i'm writing these as i watch. i want them to be together for sure before the lewis ordeal, and probably around the time we find out more about amanda's story, so yeah. i hope you enjoy! drop a comment at the bottom, or if you wanna see shenanigans probably, my tumblr is called fanblogwhatfanblog lmao.

* * *

 **13x01 – Scorched Earth**

Amanda Rollins knows the minute she walks into the 16th precinct that it's where she wants to be. She's eager to work, and when Cragen obliges this request, allowing her to go to the crime scene, she's ecstatic. Her first crime scene with SVU is a success, she helps Melinda with evidence and she feels her nerves wearing off a bit.

She can do this. She belongs here.

It's not until later that day, her mind swimming with different aspects of the Distasio case, that Amanda knows she's done for. She's researched Oliva Benson, read her casework, used her knowledge, even apprehended suspects with the things she had learned from the woman. That was just on paper. Seeing Olivia in person, catching the faint scent of vanilla and warmth that flows by as she walks past, it's another level. Amanda's hanging on by her fingertips. She's taking in the woman's stature, her confident strides are noticeable, but her expression is still tender from walking their victim in. Amanda moves her gaze up and really focuses on the woman's face, her heart beating a little quicker.

She'd always had a preference for women, they were softer, more tender, beautiful, and in her experience, they smelled better.

It wasn't as though the blonde detective got many chances to act on her desires. She was focused on her work, dedicated, and if she was being honest, she prided herself on not being shallow. Good looks were a plus, but Amanda needed a soul to ground herself to as well, not just a body. Amanda stared for another second at the brunette who was currently making her way toward their captain's office and let out a small breath – Olivia was full of soul. The blonde was just about to look away, chiding herself for staring like a teenager hopped up on their first crush, when deep brown eyes locked with hers.

 _Well shit._ She'd been caught.

Acting on some mix of adrenaline, fear, and quite a bit of embarrassment, Amanda hopped up, coming around her desk to stand in front of Olivia.

"Detective Benson?" the blonde stuck out her hand, trying to keep her nerves in check, "I'm Amanda Rollins."

Olivia's brows raise in recognition, "Ah, transfer from Dallas right?"

"Well, Atlanta," Amanda corrected, suddenly feeling the need to shift the conversation away from herself, "You like Distasio for this?"

The brunette detective opens her mouth for a moment, "Uh," she looks over her shoulder and then back to Amanda, "he was there."

Olivia turns away then, moving to take the few steps to Cragen's office and Amanda feels her stomach dropping. She doesn't want this conversation to end, eager to talk more to Olivia.

"I just wanted to say I'm really happy to be here," she blurts out, fumbling quickly for a reprise to her statement, "I uh, I studied a lot of your cases, I used some of the stuff you did on the Brown case – the infant homicides."

"Yeah, yeah," Olivia nods and then looks away quickly, "I haven't briefed the Captain yet so," she pauses, her eyes apologetic, "thank you."

Amanda can only nod, her shoulder burning from where the woman had just touched her before turning the other way.

She walks back to her desk and sinks into her chair with a sigh.

…

It's the next day before Amanda catches another glimpse of the woman she was so captivated by. Olivia's sitting at her desk, speaking Italian rapidly into her phone. It's doing _things_ to Amanda, but the blonde tries her best to ignore it. So maybe her new co-worker is incredibly attractive, smart, compassionate, and fluent in multiple languages. It's Olivia Benson and Amanda is just starting in the unit. She tears her focus away from the other detective and begins to focus on her own stack of potential leads.

Amanda gets lucky, but she'll take the victory.

She manages to find a witness in Buenos Aires with similar experiences to their current victim, and Amanda reaches out to her in hopes of gaining a new witness. Captain Cragen congratulates her, commends her work, but the praise from her boss isn't what has her smiling.

"Alex Cabot, please."

Amanda looks to her right, her eyes immediately finding the intense gaze of the brunette detective.

Olivia holds the phone to her shoulder briefly, "Nice work, Rollins."

The blonde looks back to her computer, bashful under the surprising wonderment twinkling in Olivia's eyes.

She smiles to herself. She can do this.

…

"So, what's her story?"

Amanda's back is turned to her colleagues at the bar, and she assumes Olivia hadn't meant for her to hear, but the blonde always had good ears. She can't help but smile a little bit, feeling warmth creep into her cheeks knowing she was the subject of the brunette's focus. By the time she turns around, though, Cabot has already begun informing them of new information regarding the case.

The DA comes in and delivers the blow. The tabloids have destroyed their victim's credibility and Amanda practically feels the weight of the case grow. As they're leaving the bar, Amanda holds the door open for Cabot and the other detectives, Olivia trialing behind. The blonde can sense the frustration rolling off the other woman and it mirrors her own.

"Thank you," Olivia says softly, the corners of her lips turning up slightly as she walks through the door.

"Yeah, no-" she clears her throat nervously, "No problem."

Amanda beats herself up all the way to the car. _Real smooth, Rollins._

…

At the end of the day, Distasio is only convicted of one charge, but Amanda will learn to stomach it. He'll do a year, according to Olivia, and somehow hearing it from the brunette soothes Amanda's conscience. She can't help but observe the other detective as she arranges some papers on her desk, completely mesmerized by the woman. She's only pulled out of her reverie when Cragen calls Olivia into his office.

"Nice workin' with ya."

Amanda looks up upon hearing Fin's words and watches as Munch and Fin try to lighten the mood. They had all sensed the shift in the air. Olivia's hands turn to fists for a millisecond and Amanda barely catches it, but her eyes are drawn to the distressed move.

Olivia leaves Cragen's office looking worse for wear and Amanda is mildly, well, heavily concerned. She's only vaguely listening as Munch calls out the 10-34, and it's ultimately the eldest detective ordering her and Fin to go check it out that pulls her back to reality.

"No, I'll go," Olivia's voice is shaky, but she masks it quickly, "Give me five and we'll roll."

Fin and Munch nod, making themselves busy as Olivia pauses momentarily before turning and walking down the hall. Amanda felt the troubled look in Olivia's eyes burn into her mind, and she didn't like it one bit. She tried to block it out, though. It wasn't her business, and likely never would be. Wiping her hands on her pants, the blonde excused herself to the restroom. She'd been holding it since the verdict, and now that Olivia had volunteered to go, Amanda wasn't letting the opportunity slip again.

The blonde is lost in her own thoughts, leaning against the sink, when she hears the door open.

Amanda's careful eyes look over and she's surprised to find Olivia staring back. The brunette's eyes are red, slightly puffy, and a small sniffle escapes the woman's nose. Amanda knows Olivia probably prefers that it had not. The younger detective is careful, knowing full well that sometimes the more noble thing to do is to afford someone their privacy when they're upset rather than trying to figure out what caused it. She gets the impression that Olivia isn't looking to talk about whatever personal strife had led her to this moment, and Amanda is fine with that.

She gives Olivia a small smile before looking away and instead focuses on getting the warm water to leave the faucet. Pipes, apparently, are not a priority for the NYPD, and it takes forever for the water to come to the desired temperature. Out of the corner of her eye, Amanda watches as Olivia wipes her face and reapplies some of her makeup, carefully sliding her mask back into place. The blonde dries her hands quickly, ready to leave. Throwing the paper towel in the trash bin, she readies herself to depart, but is stopped with one look at the brunette.

Her heart breaks a little as her eyes are drawn to Olivia's shaking hands.

The other woman is struggling to open a bottle of water she seemingly just bought, and though Amanda has fought her fair share of stubborn caps, she knows that's not the problem.

"Damn it!"

Amanda watches as Olivia sets the bottle onto the counter with a little more force than necessary, her other shaking hand coming to grip the other side of the sink. The blonde carefully approaches her co-worker, eyes focused on the bowed head of Olivia, cautious and ready to move away if need be. Olivia seems unfazed by her presence, or if she is bothered, she doesn't let on. In an uncharacteristic move of bravery, Amanda reaches out and gently grasps Olivia's wrist, her hand still gripping the water bottle tightly. The brunette's head shoots up at the contact, her eyes wide and fiery.

 _Oh fuck_.

The blonde's first instinct is to back away and run out of the restroom, but Amanda doesn't want to be like that anymore. She's stronger now, and she's done being afraid. Despite her own nerves, the younger detective moves her fingers away from the soft skin of Olivia's wrist, and eases the bottle of water out of her grasp. Olivia's eyes are burning into her now, curiosity, and confusion obvious in the woman's soulful gaze. Amanda can practically hear Olivia debating with herself on how much emotion to display, how much trust to give, and whether or not she too should leave the restroom.

In the end, they both stay.

Amanda cracks the water bottle open carefully before setting it on the counter next to the other detective. She boldly grips Olivia's hand again and softly places the cap into tanned fingers. With that, she steps away from the brunette, wishing she could sink into the ground. The blonde nods nervously and slowly sidesteps Olivia before promptly making her way to the door. Amanda's hand is on the handle, ready to grant herself freedom from the situation, but she pauses.

"Whatever it is," she says softly, looking back towards the brunette, "If anyone can handle it, it's you."

Olivia looks over then, her eyes are softer now, more unguarded than before and it melts the younger detective's heart. The brunette's voice is a little rough when she speaks, but Amanda couldn't care less.

"Thank you, Amanda."

The blonde nods briefly before ducking out of the room, wanting to give Olivia the privacy she needs before going out on the call. She settles back into her desk easier this time, opening a case file that Fin had given her to catch up on, even if her thoughts never really made it to the papers in front of her.

 _She called me Amanda._


	2. 13x02 - Personal Fouls

i promised fast updates, so here we are. consider your poison picked, and welcome to slow burn hell. it hurts me too, but i think it's gonna be worth it aha.

from what i've read, it's pretty common for olivia to be pursuing amanda (and that'll happen here eventually) but for right now, in this story, it's a lot of amanda kind of having heart eyes for olivia and olivia being...i guess cold. the reason for me that i have it this way is because amanda has read about olivia's work, studied her, knows of her, and olivia knows zilch about amanda. so, it's easy for me to make the connection for amanda's feelings and liv's holding back, as she doesn't trust easily anyhow. idek if people care, but if you do, that's why it's like this right now. i'm working on some other episodes right now, and i hope to have through 13x06 done tonight, with a pretty big bonding step for our ladies if my muse doesn't act up.

 _refresher: this is amaro's first case with svu, cragen is pushing olivia to move on, and it's the case with the coach who abused his basketball players._

thank you so much for reading! again, if you have any questions, comments, concerns, feel free to drop them down below! i hope you enjoy!

trivia that i read: olivia and elliot were partners for thirteen years even though people usually say twelve. idk how accurate that is but fun fact! i suppose.

(i just went with twelve bc that's what the writers wrote the last time they mentioned it)

* * *

 **13x02 – Personal Fouls**

" _You can start by cleaning out his desk."_

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the resignation of her partner was troubling Olivia to the core. Yet, the strong-willed detective was doing everything in her power to act like that wasn't the case.

It's ironic, Olivia muses, considering their most recent case. She knew firsthand the power of destruction that suppressing emotions held, and she had just watched as it destroyed Prince Miller's resolve on the evening news. She was irritated with Cragen, unspeakably so, and as she nodded along to Miller's statement to the press, the captain's earlier words kept replaying in her head.

" _Now, you want to be here? You're going to have to start working with other detectives."_

" _Maybe you could help the new guys out a little? Okay?"_

" _You good? Good."_

No, Olivia worked her jaw, she wasn't _good_. Elliot was her partner for twelve years, twelve. He'd saved her ass more times than she could count, and the same was true the other way around. They'd been there for each other through personal issues, work issues, long cases, shootings, assaults, you name it. If she needed something, he was a phone call or less away. Now that was gone. No safety nets. No more grief about being a "station wife."

It was fucking awful.

She felt the new detective's, specifically Amanda's, eyes on her throughout the day, and she didn't quite know what to make of it. At first, she was sure she was imagining things and chalked it up to her emotional state and the blonde's compassion that had been afforded to her in the restroom. Truthfully, Olivia was secretly grateful beyond words for the younger woman's presence in the restroom, and if she was being honest, she hadn't stopped thinking about it since. Amanda hadn't poked or prodded, there was no _pity_ in her eyes. She was just there, patient, understanding, and unwavering in her confidence of the brunette.

It felt a little like Elliot had.

That feeling, one that only her closest partner had ever been able to give to her, was the reason she suspected she hadn't been upset about the blonde's constant watching. When she had been listening to Amanda speak about Stevie's death, she met the woman's gaze and for a split second it was as if Amanda was a completely different person looking at her, and then back to Detective Rollins once the contact was broken. Olivia didn't quite know what to make of it.

She did know, however, that it was now almost ten at night and she still hadn't finished cleaning out Elliot's desk, much to Cragen's displeasure. Running a hand through her curls, Olivia twisted the hair up into a loose ponytail before getting back to work on her ex-partner's desk.

 _Ex-partner_. God, that fucking sucked.

Fighting back tears, Olivia resumed her process of putting picture frames, papers, and other items into a box. The man spent so much time in the field he never cleaned his damn desk, and moments later Olivia found herself smiling and elbow deep in receipts. He had several from a few meals she recognized as some of the last late nights they had shared at the station. Nothing went with a casefile like a box of kung pao chicken, or so he had said.

She had just finished putting the box together, sliding the lid on to it with a huff, when she felt eyes on her back again. Olivia didn't have to turn around to know who it was, but she did anyway.

"Hi," came the younger woman's soft voice.

It was Amanda, as she had figured, and the blonde looked incredibly shy, as if she knew she was intruding on an unspoken moment of Olivia's. However, the brunette, to her own surprise, felt no annoyance with the woman. On the job, yes, she hated the idea of having to explain every step, but Amanda had shown she was no rookie.

On a personal level?

Honestly, Olivia felt herself drawn towards the new detective. She had no time or energy to sort the feelings out, but it was obvious there was trust building, and quickly. She had snapped at Fin that morning, on accident of course, when he had tried to interrupt her sorting of Elliot's things. However, as Olivia stared at Amanda for a moment, the blonde simply waiting for her to make the next move, she felt nothing but – relief?

"Hey," her voice came out softer than she may have liked, and Olivia quickly cleared her throat, "What are you doing here?"

Relief flooded the younger woman's body and she stepped a bit closer to her co-worker, "I needed to come back and get my file on the Ray Masters case. I know we got the indictment, but I still have to finish writing up my notes."

Olivia nodded in understanding as she turned to lean against Elliot's old desk. To her surprise, Amanda offered up a small smile but said nothing else, the blonde seemingly content to gather her papers and leave.

"You're not going to ask me about it?"

Amanda turned in surprise, eyes tracking over Olivia's face for some sort of hint. She really didn't want to upset the other woman, and no matter how much she craved some sort of connection with Olivia, the blonde was not going to push her.

"Ask you about what?" Amanda responded, bravely closing the distance between them and resting herself on the desk opposite of Olivia.

"You aren't going to ask why I'm still here? What I'm doing? Why I was crying? Barely holding myself together in the bathroom? Why I was rendered too incompetent to open a bottle of water?" Olivia spoke faster as she went on, her emotions rising, and she regretted it when she saw the panic rise in Amanda's eyes.

The woman across from her was surprisingly calm despite this, and said nothing for a moment.

"That's your business. If you wanted to tell me about it, you would," Amanda chose her next words carefully, "Otherwise, I'm just here to try and offer support."

Olivia raised an eyebrow, "Just here to support, huh?"

The blonde blinked. _Support_ _ **you**_.

Olivia took in Amanda's behavior and fought to suppress a small smile, she was pleased to find it enjoyable teasing the other woman, "What about doing your job?"

 _Damn it_. Amanda felt her mouth go dry.

"Well, s'pose there's that too."

Olivia hummed.

The brunette's reactions were hard to read, and Amanda was hoping and praying to anything that she wasn't going in the wrong direction. She looked down to her toes, scuffing a boot on the floor as she found herself suspended in time almost.

"I suppose so," Olivia's soft words caused the blonde to look up.

It took everything Amanda had not to puff out the giant breath she'd been holding.

"Thank you, by the way," the older detective locked eyes with Amanda's bright blue ones, "for the other day."

"It was my pleasure, ma'am," Amanda drawled, purposefully enunciating her accent.

It was a shameless effort at deflecting the sincere remark, even if hearing Olivia's word caused her heart to warm. She could tell Olivia was still guarded, still apprehensive about being vulnerable in front of her, even if there had been trust shared between them.

But, Olivia gave her a smile then, a real one, and let out a small laugh. The sight and sound caused Amanda to feel an army of butterflies take off in her stomach.

"Well, I'll leave you to it," Amanda nodded towards the box of possessions behind Olivia's back, "I wouldn't want to intrude."

Not eager to ruin any progress made that day, the blonde quickly made her way back over to her desk, the calculating and curious stare from her co-worker burning into her back the whole time.

"We were partners for twelve years," Olivia's words were soft, raw, and the emotion behind them was boundless, "He resigned officially today, and Cragen's trying to keep things moving."

With her back still turned, Amanda couldn't help the small smile that crept onto her face as the subject of nearly all her thoughts divulged the information. She quickly schooled her features though, and turned to face the brunette again.

Olivia shifted nervously, but found a sense of calmness wash over her when she connected with the blonde's soft gaze, "I know we need to fill vacancies, and clean desks, and move forward, but I need a minute, you know? The floor fell out beneath me and I didn't even get a chance to try and hang on."

"You trusted him," Amanda nodded understandingly, "Someone having your back for everything in this line of work is something people don't understand unless they're here, in these situations. I can't imagine losing someone you depended on for most of your time here."

 _"All_ of my time here," Olivia laughed, but it was mirthless.

Amanda moved until she was standing in front of the brunette, Olivia's warm scent filling her nose, close enough to touch, yet still miles away.

"Look, Cragen doesn't understand. He's a good captain, but he's not in your shoes. Take the time you need, I can help with Amaro and Fin can help us too. I know he wants you working with us, but we ought to respect your space as well, okay?"

Olivia said nothing, she couldn't help but stare in amazement at the incredibly perceptive woman in front of her. Amanda was constantly surprising her, constantly causing feelings to stir, and god, if staring into those blue eyes didn't give her the comfort that Elliot's own intense blue stare had given her. Possibly even more. What the hell was happening?

"Olivia?"

The brunette blinked several times, snapping herself out of her thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry," she offered Amanda a small smile, "Thank you, truly. I appreciate it."

Amanda could tell something had happened. Somewhere in the beautiful head in front of her, something had occurred and her gut feeling told her that she should be happy, take it, and leave.

"Anytime."

The blonde took one last look at her co-worker before she turned to leave, boldly placing her hand on Olivia's shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze, much like the older detective had done the first time they had talked.

Except this time, it was Olivia's skin that burned as she watched Amanda walk out of the precinct.


	3. 13x03 - Blood Brothers

hi i'm back. have another chapter! (read: i want attention) jk. but we're chugging along here. i hope you enjoy!

* * *

 **13x03 – Blood Brothers**

Amanda usually makes a point to be anywhere from half an hour to an hour early. It's kind of a new thing she started once she got to New York. In the past, she was often late, and it reflected poorly on her during the job. She didn't want that here, not with the new beginning and certainly not with the new people. Maybe she was concerned about how one particular person perceived her, but she really did want to turn over a new leaf. The blonde was exceptionally surprised when she walked in to see Olivia already working at her desk, soft hair creating a curtain that hid her face.

Typically, Olivia doesn't get to work until a quarter till whatever hour, and Amanda knows this because once Olivia arrives, it's usually the best fifteen minutes before any shift.

The younger detective had been told about the previous day by Amaro as soon as the duo returned to the station. After Olivia's interview, apparently Novak had called Olivia out, and Amanda knew that it likely hurt the brunette badly.

According to Nick, Casey had implied that Olivia's stress about Elliot was affecting her job performance.

Amanda internally winced at the thought, she hadn't been friends with Olivia for as long as Casey had, but even the idea of questioning Olivia and putting her on the spot about something so sensitive made the blonde's stomach turn. There was a time for calling people out, and keeping your colleagues in check is important, but Amanda knew that Olivia wasn't compromised.

She should, after all. The blonde made it a point to discreetly check in on the woman often.

With a furrowed brow, Amanda dropped of her coffee, coat, and bag at her own desk before making her way over to Nick and Olivia's desks. She sat down quietly, not wanting to startle the brunette or make her feel as though she was backed into a conversation. The younger detective has her mouth open, ready to speak, when Olivia looks up.

Amanda hadn't meant to look like a gawking fool, but she might as well have.

Olivia hadn't taken off her reading glasses, and though previously hidden by the woman's hair, they now framed amused chocolate eyes.

"Can I help you, Rollins?"

"Uh," Amanda struggled to regain her thoughts, all of which were now centered around how much she likes Olivia in glasses, "You're here early."

"Excellent observation, Watson," the corners of her lips turned up.

The blonde finally recovered, and picked up on Olivia's antics, "So you just get to be Sherlock, huh?"

"You assume we're partners in this scenario?"

Amanda ignored the cheeky jab, "What caused you to be an early bird today?"

Any traces of a smile left Olivia's face then, and Amanda's heart dropped. Had they not just talked, bonded even? Had Olivia not seemed confused as to why Amanda didn't ask her questions, practically inviting them? _Damn it, she liked the fact that you_ _ **didn't**_ _ask questions._ Amanda's thoughts were swimming around in a worst-case scenario pool now, dread crawling up her throat.

"Don't you know, Amanda?" Olivia said quietly, picking up the folder she was scribbling in, "Early birds get the worm."

The younger detective perked up, her eyes shooting to the file Olivia was now proudly holding up. It was a casefile, and a tan finger was pointing to a picture of one of their more recent collars that they hadn't yet gotten a confession from.

"I came in early and Casey texted me," Olivia sighed, "Summers took a plea deal after he couldn't make bail. I guess he didn't like his night in Rikers."

Amanda grinned, "Okay, first, was that a joke? And second, how come she offered a plea deal?"

"It's disheartening, I know. A trial could've given him life, but it wouldn't have been guaranteed. He'll be in Sing Sing until he's 70, no chance of parole or early release. It's not the maximum, but he's going to be in there for a long time."

Olivia watched as Amanda took in her reasoning, nodding slowly before looking up, disappointment still written on her face.

"I'll tell you another joke if you stop pouting."

Amanda laughed at this, rolling her eyes before focusing on Olivia again, "Maybe later. You can owe me one."

"Sorry, one time offer only," Olivia winked, "Your loss."

The blonde watched as the older detective went back to work, "I'll get another one sometime."

"We'll see about that."

Amanda was content to watch Olivia for a second then, though she was still incredibly curious as to why the woman was here early. Although she was grateful for the banter, she was acutely aware that the brunette had still dodged the question. Watching tired eyes scan the documents again, Amanda couldn't help herself.

"You dodged my question."

Sighing, Olivia leaned back, rubbing her eyes before placing her glasses on her desk, "Are you always so direct?"

"I like to think so."

Olivia regarded her carefully then, sizing up the new detective, "Why do you care?"

 _Because I care about_ _ **you**_ _._ Amanda took a breath.

"I just noticed you changed your routine."

"Now who's dodging questions?"

Amanda narrowed her eyes, "Wh-?"

"It's fine," Olivia smiled softly, "You make a point of not cornering me into conversations, I'll give you the same respect."

Amanda chewed on that for a moment, looking down at her hands. Was she that obvious? Did Olivia know about her thoughts somehow, or suspect what had been going on? Amanda talked herself down quickly, there was no way. More than likely Olivia was simply warming up to her. Amanda berated herself momentarily, like they were going to go from introductions to dating or something? There was a lot of ground to cover in between, and Amanda didn't even know what or who Olivia was into.

"I had a bad day yesterday," Olivia dips her head, trying to get Amanda's attention as she speaks.

"Yeah, Nick told me."

Amanda instantly clapped her mouth shut. _Fucking hell, why did you do that. Let her tell you._

Olivia ran her eyes over the blonde across from her then, unsure of what to make of the situation. If Nick and Amanda talked about it, why was the woman here, asking Olivia like she hadn't a clue. Despite her attempt to clamp it down, Olivia felt mistrust bloom in her stomach.

"Well, since I've been the subject of yours and Amaro's conversations, apparently you know my business already. What's the point of talking to me about it?"

The younger detective felt her blood chill at Olivia's tone, and she could already see the walls she was working so hard to get past sliding higher.

"I didn't ask him about you, and I didn't entertain some schoolyard gossip about it, if that's what you're implying."

Amanda couldn't help the wave of hurt that washed over her. She thought she was making progress with Olivia, felt like the woman trusted her a little bit, or at least knew enough about her behavior to gather that she wouldn't breach Olivia's privacy like that. She hadn't. Nick had told her about it, and as soon as she realized what had happened, she shut it down, excused herself from the conversation, and left. There was no denying it, the blonde liked Olivia _a lot_ , but even that wasn't enough to tamper the irritation that had come to bubble in her stomach.

Olivia's eyebrows raised at the outburst from the blonde. She wasn't expecting the force behind it, or the offense Amanda had seemed to take. Guilt crept up on her as she realized that despite Olivia's own personal issues, the young detective wasn't kidding when she had spoken about respect and privacy.

Amanda broke the silence between the two of them, pushing her chair back and standing up.

The brunette's eyes shot to meet Amanda's as the woman moved away from the island, trying to decipher the impassive look that had slid into place on the blonde's face.

"Just so you know, I respect you a hell of a lot more than that."

With that, the other detective was gone, purposeful strides carrying her down a corridor and away from Olivia.

 _What are you doing, Benson?_ Olivia ran her hands over her face, releasing a breath. Why did she push people away? Why did she push Amanda away, the only person who hasn't grated her nerves for the past few weeks?

Biting the end of her pen for a second, Olivia's eyes tracked over to the where the blonde's coffee sat on her desk and smiled. Maybe she could fix this.

…

When Amanda had cooled off, and it had taken pretty much the last ten minutes before the shift started, she was finally ready to start the morning. Her feelings were hurt a little, but Amanda Rollins wasn't going to give up that easily. Deciding to put the morning past her and instead focus on the positive, the detective made her way back to her desk.

Of course, she couldn't resist casting a glance over to Olivia's desk.

The brunette was gone, though this wasn't a huge surprise for Amanda. Olivia was similar to herself in that way, flighty at times, but she concluded it wasn't cause for worry. Looking down to her desk, Amanda creased her brow, she hadn't left her coffee on the growing stack of DD-5's that occupied her desk. She picked up the offending cup and moved the stack of papers to a different spot, displeased with the coffee ring that now stained the bottom of the first one. Annoyance crept up in her chest, and though she knew it was just general displeasure from her conversation with Olivia, it didn't help to quell it.

Until she saw the sticky note.

Picking up the brightly colored green post-it, Amanda's eyes tracked over the elegant writing.

 _I'm sorry about earlier.  
_ _It's been awhile since I went through the process  
of opening myself up and trusting someone.  
Could we maybe talk over lunch?  
I might even throw in that joke._

It took everything Amanda had not to let the goofy smile take over her face as she read the brunette's words. She watched as Olivia came into view, making brief eye contact with her before the woman made her way into Cragen's office. The blonde couldn't help but stare a moment longer, searching the back of the older detective for anything that indicated distress. Content with what she saw, her focus shifted back to the paperwork on her desk.

Amanda would be lying if she said that she didn't spend the rest of her morning trying not to be distracted by the neon green stack of sticky notes that she could see proudly displayed on Olivia's desk.

It was going to be a good day.


	4. 13x04 - Double Strands

honestly i think i could've done more with this. i had entertained the idea about having olivia's reactions to amanda interrogating the guy (bc of her own experience being attacked while uc and her being a nervous, caring bean makes my knees weak), or had amanda injured a little and olivia bandaging it up, but if i would've done that i would've probably taken them too far than what's realistic at this point, so i stopped it where i did. i still think it's a pretty decent step towards that love connection™ and they both know at this point that _something_ is going on. let me know what you think!

refresher: the case reminds Amanda of one she had in atlanta, they hit a bump basically, she ends up going for a lil uc thing in the park and the suspect corners her. nick rains down on him lmao. ok.

thank you to everyone who has reviewed, specifically **sheepish123** , **jeu de mots** , **DocRolivia** , **lalarandoms** , and a sweet lil **guest review**. I appreciate it! thank you to all the people who followed and favorited as well, i'm excited to keep going with you guys!

SIDENOTE: _if_ you were wondering why the title is what it is, i'm going to post the poem i got it from at the bottom. idk, i just thought it fit them pretty well and the line always gives me goosebumps.

* * *

 **13x04 – Double Strands**

Olivia didn't think that her night was going to end with interviewing a victim in the middle of Central Park, but working in SVU has a funny way of changing plans. She's in the middle of the interview, trying desperately to extract details out of the clearly traumatized woman. Having gotten nowhere, she finally asks the poor girl about her attacker, anything they could find out about him would help.

"He had like a Tai Chi thing on his neck."

The brunette detective nodded along, writing down the information as the victim spoke.

"A Tai Chi thing? Can you describe that?"

Olivia's eyes widen, her head snapping to face a very energetic blonde detective who had just jumped in the middle of her interview.

"Um, half black, half white, in a circle."

Amanda got down in front of the girl, "A yin-yang?"

Olivia watched as the two went back and forth, Amanda asking questions that she already knew the answers to. Although she was glad the blonde was obviously on to something, the rapid-fire questions Amanda was asking weren't how things were supposed to go.

"Okay, Danielle," Olivia interrupts softly, placing her hand gently on Amanda's arm to quiet the woman, "Will you excuse us for one second?"

Amanda is too focused on the delicate hand now perched on her forearm to fight, but as soon as Olivia looks down and realizes what she was doing, her hand is retracted quickly and Amanda is being pulled aside.

"I don't know how you're used to doing things, but in New York, we think it's best if one person does the interview so we don't overwhelm the victim."

Amanda's eyes widen, her adrenaline pumping at the thought of catching one of her old serials.

"What? Oh, I'm sorry," she watches in relief as Olivia's face softens, "It's just, I know it sounds crazy but I think I know this guy."

Olivia knits her brow, "Know him? How? You just got here."

"Yeah, I know, but we had this guy while I was in Atlanta. Same MO, same tattoo, he even said the exact same words. Verbatim. _And_ he rode a bike."

Amanda watches as Olivia seems to have a battle with herself, and the blonde hopes that part of Olivia is fighting for her.

"I'm not saying you're wrong, because you _are_ a good detective," Olivia resumes, her voice tender, and Amanda relishes it, "But thousands of people here have tattoos. Thousands more ride bikes."

The younger detective feels herself getting defensive, and she's surprised that Olivia beats her to it.

"Look, _I_ believe you. You know something about this case, and I think you should follow your gut," the brunette looks around momentarily before looking back to the woman in front of her, "But you're going to have to work to sell it."

Amanda nods, not getting the chance to reply as Olivia walks past her and back to the victim. She swears she feels the other woman's hand brush hers and any anxiety about the upcoming case is suddenly lessened. The effect Olivia was having on her was going to become a problem soon if she didn't get herself under control. Amanda steeled herself one last time before making herself useful and searching the crime scene for more evidence.

 _I believe you_.

…

Olivia is disheartened when the holes start showing up in their case, to say the least.

Gabriel Thomas had a DNA match to every crime scene, but he couldn't be in two places at once. Most of all, she felt bad for Amanda. It was hard being a new detective, and especially hard when your hunch looks to be open and closed, but suddenly it's not. It's discouraging, and the last thing she wants the younger woman to feel is discouraged about her abilities as a detective. Personal connection or not, Olivia knew that the blonde was a good at this job, and she wanted her to know it too.

It's awkward to say the least when Amanda walks into Cragen's office that afternoon.

Olivia hadn't even meant to be there, honestly. She was going to go in and tell Cragen that she and Fin wanted to check out the mother-in-law's stories and ran into Amaro once she was in the office. That was how she got roped into the whole mess of doubt that began spewing forth, and though she knew they had to do their job thoroughly, an innocent man shouldn't go to jail, it still hurt to see the crestfallen look on the blonde's face once Cragen spoke to her, her eyes darting back and forth between Nick and Olivia.

"They're just dotting some I's," he had said, "Come on, I'll fill you in."

The brunette watched as Amanda's face fell, the woman was smart enough to know what that meant, and god if Amaro couldn't help wearing whatever he was feeling on his sleeve. Olivia wanted to wipe the small traces of smugness that she saw right off his face, they wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the younger detective.

 _Cool it._ Olivia tried desperately to school her thoughts.

There was no reason she should be this way towards Amaro, the man had actually been doing his damn job. For whatever reason though, as she looked back towards Cragen's office and saw the slight hunch to Amanda's shoulders, she couldn't help but feel a little bitter. Olivia was sliding her jacket on when she saw Amanda make her way out of Cragen's office, her strides still confident as she carried herself to her desk. The brunette bit her lip, debating whether or not she should say something to her co-worker.

Logic be damned, Olivia found herself walking towards the woman.

"I'm sorry about-" she paused, searching for what exactly she was apologizing for, "I'm sorry about in there."

Amanda looked up, watching Olivia nervously nod to Cragen's office. She gave the older detective a small smile, moved by the emotions currently on display from the brunette.

"Hey, it's okay," the blonde dipped her head to meet chocolate eyes, "You guys are doing your job. I'd rather be wrong any day then put an innocent man to trial, no matter how much I may like him for something."

Olivia nodded, a small smirk tugging on her lips, "Keep following your gut, Rollins."

Amanda was rooted to the spot, unable to move as Olivia winked at her before turning on her heel and walking away. The blonde stood there, still breathing in hints of vanilla and replaying their conversation over in her head.

It was nice to have Olivia Benson believe in you.

…

"Amanda!"

The shout left her lips of its own volition as Olivia ran harder along the trails, listening to Nick yell out for the younger detective over the radio.

There were fucking twins.

How unbelievable was that? Olivia sympathized with the way Alex had buried her face in her hands. How often did something like this happen? And Cragen, Cragen had agreed to allow the young detective to go undercover a little bit, acting as a runner in Central Park, where they had figured out their suspect worked. After four days, _four_ of waiting with baited breath as she watched Amanda run through the park, maybe into a serial rapist's trap, things had finally gone south. Olivia knew all too well how real things could get on this job, no matter the back-up you had. The idea of anything happening to the blonde was enough to send her stomach plummeting like an elevator with no brakes.

To top it off, the radio just cut out.

She called out for the blonde again, and then Nick, knowing he would be able to reach her quicker on his bike. If she could just find _one_ of them, it would hopefully be okay. Turning a corner quickly, Olivia watched as Nick pedaled quickly ahead of her, the both of them now trying desperately to get to the bridge that their suspect currently had a fighting mess of blonde hair pinned underneath.

"Stop! NYPD!"

Olivia watched as Nick yelled out, startling the man who was, Olivia's blood boiled, on top of her detective.

Things sort of happened in slow motion then, the way Nick threw his bike on the ground before grabbing Brian Thomas and hauling him off of Amanda. The brunette detective didn't even think about stopping Nick as he landed one, two, three, and a fourth blow to the man's face. It was Amanda's eyes that snapped her into action. The woman had stood up, her eyes shooting back and forth between Nick and Olivia.

"Nick!" the older detective finally sprang into action, "Nick! Enough!"

She tried to pull the man off of Thomas, tossing her handcuffs to Amanda in the process.

"I said enough!"

Olivia finally got through to him, giving him a light push and signaling him to walk it off. Fin got there next, taking a cuffed Brian from Amanda and leaving them alone for a brief moment before the Uni's would be there to begin taking evidence. Olivia didn't know why she needed to be closer to the woman, but she did. The brunette stepped closer, reaching her hand out for Amanda's arm, but the younger detective moved out of her reach.

"What the hell was that!?"

Amanda's sharp tone further grounded Olivia, causing the brunette to snap her arm back into place at her side and smash any disappointment she felt at the younger detectvie's actions into pieces, the reality of their current situation washing over her.

"I don't-"

"And you just let Nick do it!" Amanda interrupted the woman, taking a step into her personal space, "That could've ruined our case."

"I know, I just-"

Amanda shook her head, "You just nothing. I'm not a helpless kid, you guys don't need to act like my parents."

Olivia felt her defenses slide into place. They may have been growing closer, but she was still the senior detective and Amanda was certainly toeing the line. The words that came out of her mouth next weren't even her own, it felt like, and they were far more personal than she had planned.

"Would _you_ have stopped him if had been me?" Olivia blurted out, her dark eyes searching Amanda's bright ones.

The blonde swallowed thickly, her body losing whatever fight she had in it. She wasn't upset with Olivia, and she knew it was the adrenaline and stress getting to her. The older woman's words surprised her though, as she was honestly expecting Olivia to snap at her about respect. Uncomfortable with the question, Amanda looked to the ground and then back at Olivia. The look in the brunette's eyes told her that she was serious, and Amanda was going to need to cough up an answer if she wanted to move on.

 _Honesty is the best policy, right?_

"Yeah, if it were you I would have stopped Nick and you know why?" Amanda pushed past Olivia, taking notice of the disbelief and confusion that flickered on the woman's features as she moved past.

When Amanda looked over her shoulder a second later, she made sure her eyes locked with Olivia's before her next words were spoken.

"I would've hit him myself."

The blonde walked off then, not brave enough to wait around for Olivia's reaction.

Olivia stood there for a second, lips parted as she took in the full meaning of Amanda's words. Furthermore, she didn't doubt it for a second. Olivia looked behind her, seeing Amanda talking to Cragen and tried to calm her rapid-beating heart. At the end of the day, Amanda was safe, and Olivia would have to sort out her feelings over the blonde's words later. Even as she directed some of the officers to parts of the scene, she still couldn't shake the intensity in those blue eyes, or the feeling that had settled low in her stomach when the younger woman hand answered her.

 _I would've hit him myself._

* * *

here's the poem, if you're interested.

 _there is only me and you and the thing_  
 _that is trying to swallow us._

 _in every version of the story there is a fire:_  
 _here, burning clothes in the backyard._  
 _here, throwing matches at the home i_  
 _don't live in anymore. again and the_  
 _highway between our bodies, gone._

 _on the train, a man tells you he is an_  
 _angel and jumps off the platform._  
 _over the screaming, you tell me you're_  
 _starting to think there really is a god, like_  
 _capital g God. like something that isn't_  
 _here to hurt us, just to watch us hurt._

 _honey, you just want something to blame_  
 _besides yourself. i get it, i'm tired too_  
 _but is there any room for safety_  
 _between the disaster of our bodies?_  
 _if there is a light then i am going to_  
 _swallow it. if there is a god then_  
 _i'm going to make him cry._

 _blasphemies at the 5th street station_ by **s. osborn**


	5. 13x05 - Missing Pieces

mmmmmohmygod. i totally um did more here than i thought so whoops. literally i have to write a final paper by tomorrow but instead i wrote 5k words for the next chapter. priorities? who needs them?

i can't tell if i'm going too fast or not but look we have kind of a timeline people and i'm garbage at keeping track but i'm trying. it's like this - i want to be as realistic as possible, but then um i also want them to kiss so :/ this one and the next one are pretty heavily focused on olivia, but amanda's stuff picks up soon. i know for sure in 13x07 that something happens that i'm planning on taking it in an "olivia's concerned for amanda" type of way so yeah if you're into that, i got you covered boo.

also, the premise of this chapter (what's going on with olivia basically) is real but wasn't ever shown this way in the show. like i kept the main aspects of the episode, but if you've seen it (and even if you haven't), you'll know pretty instantly what i changed. ten points to anyone who can figure out what's up with olivia, although i'm sure you'll be able to figure it out if you've watched the show consistently. idk how believable i made it or if it was too OOC, but the truth is that not a lot happened in this episode and i felt like this would be a direction that offered a chance for growth, so i went with it.

 **jeu de mots** , **sheepish123** , and **lalarandoms** , you all made me smile so much, like a big dumb goofy grin, and i can't tell you how much i appreciate you :)

entyways, i just want to say now that i'm so nervous that eventually i'll have to write barba bc he's so perfect and sassy and i'm _totally_ not on his level lmao and so now you know that about me.

i hope you enjoy this next lil bit, and don't hesitate to lemme know what you think!

* * *

 **13x05 – Missing Pieces**

Something's off with Olivia today and Amanda picks up on it easily.

The woman is snappier, desperately trying to appear as if she isn't on edge, and the brunette was even a little late to work. As the day wears on, Olivia only seems to do worse, and Amanda grows increasingly concerned.

She knows cases involving young children are hard, but it's like they're in some kind of twilight zone.

Even Fin has been silent and withdrawn, his usual sarcasm and lighthearted demeanor falling flat. Nick and Munch have been the ones trying to crack jokes, and she admires them, but they aren't good at it and it's not the same. She picks up too, on the quick looks that Fin and Olivia have been sharing, and she can't help but wonder what the hell is going on.

 _Munch has practically been here since the dawn of time but he's not involved?_ Amanda's at a loss.

What's worse, even though she's shared some glances with the brunette detective, they haven't even spoken. She's trying really hard to be a silent supporter and let Olivia have her space, but the obviously troubled features of the woman she cares about are starting to really get to her.

Amanda sighs, rubbing her eyes before leaning back in her chair.

Nick's busy questioning their missing baby's mother, and Olivia's due to go back to speak with the father once he wakes up. How a man could nap with his baby missing, she doesn't know, but a part of her is thankful that it's allowed her to keep an eye on Olivia. Munch has resigned himself to his desk, and though he's shot a few sympathetic looks Amanda's way, she isn't able to let things lie like the eldest detective.

She later feels bad for jumping on Fin when the man just wanted some coffee, but for now, though, it's her chance to try and figure out what alternate universe they had entered, or the truth behind what was going on.

"Hey," she tries to be nonchalant, picking up a styrofoam cup and putting some sugar in the bottom.

"'Sup, Rollins?" Fin looks at her then, and Amanda knows he's onto her, "You finish that other coffee already?"

 _Well, shit._ So maybe she had just gotten more to drink like five minutes ago, but she couldn't take this anymore.

"Yeah, um, I had an early morning."

 _You're a damn liar, Rollins, and a bad one at that._ Amanda inwardly groans.

"Uh huh. I see," Fin's not buying it and she can't blame him.

Calming her nerves, the blonde bites the inside of her cheek for a second before mustering up the courage to speak again, "I just wanted to ask-"

"Look," he interrupts her before she can even get her question out, "I know the mood is off right now, and it's just not a great day for me and Liv. Something happened a few years back, but it's not my place to say, alright? She'll be okay, Rollins. It's just one of those things, ya know?"

Amanda nods, and she appreciates what Fin has confided. The man gives her a small nod, and she knows he too wishes he could fix whatever had brought about the heaviness in the air. Her heart started beating quicker as she replayed his words, obviously something had happened to Olivia and it was causing her brain to go a mile a minute. Had she been hurt? Her eyes drift over to the beautiful brunette that had buried herself in paperwork, and Amanda can't help but feel her throat constrict. The idea of anyone ever doing something to the selfless and caring detective had Amanda's gut in a knot.

She wants so badly to make it better.

Looking down at her hands, Amanda quickly finishes making her cup of coffee before turning back around. Her eyes are drawn to Olivia, whose coffee had long been abandoned while the brunette detective got lost in her own world. Amanda's steps were tentative as she looked around the bullpen. She checks her watch and it reads half past one. Apparently Fin and Munch had taken their lunch breaks, and - she looks into the conference room - Amaro doesn't look like he'll be taking his anytime soon.

Taking a deep breath, the blonde once again steels her resolve.

Her feet are carrying her to Olivia's desk, and within a few seconds, Olivia's looking up at her. The brunette's wide, dark eyes are swirling with confusion and Amanda picks up on the subtle anxiety present throughout Olivia's features.

"I, uh-" Amanda looks down to the cup in her hand and then gestures to Olivia's own, "I figured you could use a fresh cup."

A ghost of a smile makes its way across Olivia's lips, and Amanda knows she's done the right thing.

"Thank you," Olivia says softly.

Her normally soothing voice is a little bit rougher today, and Amanda notices the slight tremor in the woman's hand as she accepts the cup. To Olivia's credit, whatever has obviously upset both her and Fin, it isn't making it very far past Olivia's defenses. She's holding on, and no matter how hard she may be trying, Amanda feels pride blossom in her chest because Olivia is fighting, and she's _winning_.

"Well, you know what they say," Amanda smiles, "The only thing worse than station coffee is stale station coffee."

It earns a small laugh from the brunette, and Amanda is satisfied for now. She wants to say more to Olivia, she wants to tell her that she's here, she'll listen, no matter what. But she doesn't. When the brunette meets her eyes, Amanda can see in Olivia's own that she knows the blonde is there for her, and that's enough for now.

Amanda moves to walk away, having resolved a little of her anxiety, but she's stopped by Olivia's warm hand on her elbow. Amanda moves with the small tug Olivia gives her and turns to face the other detective.

"I mean it, Amanda," Olivia's eyes are sincere, her thumb lightly moving in a soothing motion on the inside of the blonde's elbow, "I know you're worried, but it's okay. You _are_ helping, and I'm thankful for that."

The younger detective can only nod, too focused on Olivia's movements on her arm. Olivia seems to connect the dots, and it's as if she is also surprised she had been doing it. She withdraws her hand slowly, not wanting to give Amanda the impression she's pulling away, but uncomfortable with her inability to control herself around the blonde. Olivia knows she's been more distant today, but it's not something she wants to think about any more than she has to.

Amanda's going to say something, wants to thank Olivia for letting her in, but she hears Fin and Munch coming down the hall, acutely aware of her and Olivia's unspoken desire to keep whatever is going on between the two of them private. Instead, she gives Olivia a smile, bowing her head as she returns to her desk.

The blonde detective stares at her reports in an effort to be productive, but for the life of her, Amanda can _not_ get Olivia out of her mind.

…

Amanda watches uneasily as Olivia interrogates Tim Martell. The man has an anger problem and a domestic violence complaint on his record, but Olivia seems determined to push his buttons. It's a smart move, if he gets upset enough he might break, or he might shut down. Or, the third option, and the one that has Amanda nervously biting her already short nails as she watches the brunette work, is that he lashes out.

She knows in her heart that Nick is busy right now, and Fin and Munch just left for Buffalo, so it's not like anyone can really _do_ anything about it, but she wants to know why the hell Olivia's chosen to be in there alone. Obviously Fin knows she's having an off day, why wasn't he in there with her? Amanda would rather go to Buffalo with Munch and worry about Olivia from there than sit here and watch as the woman messes with a stick of dynamite. Deep down, Amanda knows she should trust Olivia, and she chastises herself for entertaining the idea that Olivia can't do her job.

 _You're supposed to believe in her, Amanda._

The woman obviously knows what she's doing, as she's been at this for thirteen years. Amanda watches as Olivia gets closer to Tim, standing next to him and leaning against the table as she talks. He's getting pissed, and Amanda can see Olivia's body language begin to change. She's confident in what she's doing, but the blonde can also see the restraint, the readiness to move out of harm's way if possible.

"Maybe you lost your temper," Olivia taunts, ducking her head to meet his eyes, "maybe you lost your temper and you shook him too hard."

He looks up then, anger blazing in his eyes, "That's not what happened, this wasn't my fault!"

Olivia doesn't budge, to Amanda's concern, she actually leans in closer, "Then tell me what did happen, because I _know_ that baby wasn't taken-"

It all occurs so quickly, Amanda can't even wrap her mind around what's happening.

"DON'T YOU ATTACK ME!"

The man pushes his chair back with such force it falls over, and then he's on his feet. Olivia tries to move away, but he's quicker and he's stronger with the angle he has on her. Amanda wills her feet to move as she watches the man grab Olivia's arm and twist it behind her back, forcing her onto her stomach against the table. The brunette lets out a started breath and then a pained cry when her body makes contact with the hard surface.

Amanda is bursting into the room in an instant, nearly jumping the distance between her and Martell to grab his shoulders as she moves to rip him off of the woman.

Olivia's frozen. She can't think, can't move. She should've been able to dodge him, and she berates herself for pushing too hard, putting too much risk into the situation. Today of all days, the familiar feeling of being pinned down like that causes fear to rush into her system. Fight, flight, and freeze. People usually speak of the first two, but the third is very real and very present in Olivia's body. She _knows_ it's Amanda who is opening the door and she's instantly embarrassed that she let this man get the best of her because of a rookie mistake.

The blonde's words echo through her head again.

" _I would've hit him myself."_

Olivia knows the blonde will be _livid_ , and when she feels Martell's weight lifted off of her, the tender skin of her forearm being released, she knows Amanda's there. For her. With her. It helps.

Martell's still yelling at Olivia about how she dared to accuse him, screaming about how he won't stand for her attacks. It falls on deaf ears, as Amanda is seeing red. She slams his body with full force up against the wall, his face colliding with the mesh over the window.

"How _dare_ you?" the detective seethes, digging her elbow into his back.

He cries out, but she doesn't stop, pulling her handcuffs out and sending a swift blow to the back of his knee when he begins to resist. Amanda slaps them onto his wrists none too gently and locks them tighter than normal, ignoring his whimpering about being uncomfortable. She grips him again, and she's not entirely sure what she planned on doing but a hand rests on her bicep in warning.

"Rollins, let him go. It's done."

Nick's there now, and she even though she knows she's too close to the situation, too angry, it still takes a moment for her brain to exert control over her body. Amanda releases him with a shove, ripping her arm away from Nick.

"Let him go? You'd know all about that, wouldn't you?"

The words are biting, and they're a low blow. Amanda instantly regrets it, knowing that the extra attention being drawn to herself is just more to have to explain away and make excuses for, but she can't help it.

She's stalking away from Nick without so much as a glance in his direction. The detective looks for Olivia, but the brunette is nowhere to be found. When she leaves the room, the blonde is vaguely aware of Cragen's presence behind her, but she's still working hard to bring herself down. Amanda runs a hand through her hair, releasing a few deep breaths before she turns to Cragen.

"Are you okay?"

She nods, too distracted by everything to say much more.

"You did good. Sometimes these things happen. It's not pleasant and we try to avoid it, but you were good back-up. That's what matters."

Amanda registers his words but she's still upset that anything happened in the first place.

 _No. Her_ _ **safety**_ _is what matters._

"Where is she?" her voice is eerily calm, it takes a lot of effort but she's aware that Cragen is observing her intently, "Where is Benson?"

"I didn't see her, but she's probably somewhere private," he says quietly, "It's best you give her space right now. I know she appreciates your help in there, but it's not a good-"

Amanda grits her teeth, but she forces herself to sound pleasant, "I know. It's not a good day."

With that, she turns away from the captain and hastily makes her way down the hall.

…

Olivia isn't in the bathroom, and there's a few officers sleeping in the crib at the moment, so she knows the brunette isn't there. Cragen's office is only a few strides away from the interrogation room, and Amanda figures that if he didn't catch a glimpse of the woman, she probably was still nearby.

It clicks then, and Amanda is walking quickly back to the corridor of holding rooms.

By the time she ends up back in the hallway, Nick and Cragen have cleared out, likely taking Tim to a holding cell and discussing charges with the DA, respectively. The blonde's hands are still shaky, and although part of her wants to heed Cragen's warning to not bother Olivia right now, she can't get it out of her mind. She can hear the pained sound that the woman let out, see the way her body went rigid under the roughness of Martell's touch, and it's on a never-ending loop in her head. Amanda finds Olivia pretty quickly, only one of the interrogation doors is slightly ajar and the blonde opens it carefully.

Her eyes seek out Olivia's huddled form immediately, and she's closing the distance between them in seconds.

The older detective is on the floor in the corner next to the observation window, hidden from outside view. Amanda takes in her posture, she's practically folded in on herself, knees drawn into her chest and face buried in her arms. The blonde swears she can see a slight shake in Olivia's shoulders and her heart breaks at the thought of the rock-solid woman being forced to tears.

Amanda crouches down slowly, her own feet wobbly as she struggles still to calm her racing heart.

"Olivia, there's a lot that can be said, but right now I need you to tell me if you want me to go."

Amanda's eyes are wide, searching the brunette in front of her for any sign of discomfort. Her primary goal right now is to make sure Olivia is okay, but as always, the younger detective refuses to force her way into Olivia's space.

Olivia raises her head a little then, slightly teary eyes boring into Amanda. She gives an almost unnoticeable shake of her head and mumbles a quiet 'no.' The younger detective takes the moment to breathe before moving carefully to sit down next to Olivia. She draws her knees up in the same fashion, and through a series of nearly imperceptible movements, Olivia actually moves so their knees and thighs are touching.

Amanda's quite surprised by this of course, albeit pleasantly, because they've been becoming more familiar with one another, yes, but this is a huge show of vulnerability and trust from the woman beside her.

She vows not to fuck it up.

They sit in silence for a while, Amanda is sure she missed the bulk of Olivia's tears, because the brunette only emits an occasional sniffle here and there, and she appears to have collected most of the pieces of herself. It's when Amanda looks down, her eyes focusing on the tan skin of Olivia's exposed arm, that she disturbs the stillness. The arm of Olivia's button-down shirt is still pushed up from where she'd been grabbed, and Amanda carefully moves her hand closer to the brunette's arm and exposes her palm in a silent plea.

Olivia, reading into Amanda's movements, obliges the blonde's request, placing her arm in Amanda's soft hand without looking up. She feels Amanda's cool fingers tracing over her warm skin, the softness and tenderness the blonde is so carefully exercising causing her throat to tighten with emotion. Amanda is brief, Olivia assumes the woman's slender fingers are checking for bruising or scratches, and when the younger detective finds none, she releases Olivia's arm gently before returning to her previous position.

The older detective is acutely aware that Amanda is intentionally remaining quiet. She knows that the blonde won't ask her the shallow questions, as Amanda has probably already gathered that Olivia isn't _fine_ or _okay_. In fact, she's doing pretty shitty, and she can't put into words how different and welcome Amanda's ways of showing support are.

It wasn't often Olivia had someone other than her therapist to truly share the weight of her troubles with, and even then, that was a strictly professional relationship. There was trust, but not the kind that brings comfort when everything is closing in. The brunette can still feel Amanda's gentle touch, and she indulges her impulsivity and selfishness, bringing her hand down from her knees and moving her fingers until Amanda gets the hint.

They lock eyes as the younger detective twines their hands together, giving Olivia's fingers a soft squeeze. Amanda looks away first, offering Olivia a way out of any discomfort she may be feeling, consciously or otherwise.

"Look at me."

The soft request surprises Amanda again, but she doesn't show it when she turns to meet Olivia's eyes.

"For whatever reason, this-" Olivia holds up their hands a little, "-is where we are. I don't know why or how because I'm not good at these…types of things, but I do know that you're doing more for me than I can explain, okay? You probably deserve an explanation for today, and-"

Amanda shook her head slightly, running her thumb over Olivia's, "I don't _deserve_ anything from you. I do what I do without expecting anything in return. I was goin' crazy earlier not knowing why things were different today, and Fin told me something happened a while ago but he wouldn't tell me what."

Olivia's breath hitched, her eyes swirling with sadness and anxiety, "I-"

"Hold on," Amanda says it softly, trying her best to offer comfort, "Maybe some time we can talk about it, you already know I would be more than willing to listen."

The blonde made sure she held Olivia's gaze, trying her best to convey her sincerity.

"But now isn't the time for you to divulge that information to me. Now is the time that we focus on getting you feeling a little better so you can go out there, get anything you need, and clock out."

Olivia looks both confused and ready to argue back, but Amanda squeezes her hand once more.

"You gotta take care of yourself, okay?" the blonde implores softly, "We can hold the fort down for now, and taking some time for yourself doesn't make you any less capable."

Amanda hopes she doesn't come across as belittling, as Olivia knows all of the things she's saying. Sometimes, though, it takes someone else's words to get people to do what they know is best, and that's what she's hoping to achieve.

Olivia finally nods then, bringing her other hand up to wipe away a stray tear.

"Thank you for having my back."

Amanda nods slowly, the intense look accompanying Olivia's words lets her know Olivia is talking about a lot more than the interrogation room.

"No problem, Sherlock."

The response gets its intended reaction, and Olivia releases a relieved laugh, her eyes shining in the dim room.

"Assuming we're partners again, Rollins?"

Amanda shakes her head with a grin, relishing the fact that Olivia remembers their older conversation, and eases herself off the floor. She misses the contact with Olivia instantly, but knows that the moment had come and passed, and now it was time to look on to the next. She offers a hand to Olivia, who slips her own into the younger detective's without hesitation.

The blonde pulls Olivia up, breath hitching when the woman stands close enough that Amanda can smell the warm scent of her perfume, fresh smell of her hair, and feels Olivia's warm breaths coming out slowly. They lock eyes for a brief pass of time and Amanda is sure she has never felt anything as intense before.

It's over in a second, and Olivia is gone.

There's a brief smile tugging at the brunette's lips before she turns away and Amanda is left alone in the room, unable to pinpoint exactly what had just transpired between the two of them.


	6. 13x06 - True Believers

ummmmm haha sooo this happened. mainly it's because a shit ton happened in this episode anyway that i wanted to tackle, but _also_ my little idea for last chapter ended up turning into it's own little arc within my fake retelling of this show and so it took up a big chunk here as well.

maybe i did this to make up for the fact that i _might_ not get to post for a day or two (hopefully that won't be the case), as i have two finals today and two more over the next two days. my chapter bank has officially run dry, so i don't have any more to upload and post, but i'm gonna get them rolling once break starts up (or probably tonight because i'm what? garbage).

for the record, if Olivia seems much warmer in here than expected, it's because i have this idea that she's the type of person who _knows_ she can affect people. like, in my mind, she's aware of her being attractive and intelligent, she just doesn't make things all about that, you know? that being said, she also, in my head, is the type of person to be kind or relaxed with someone she does know and not realize how it may come across or the effect is has, if that makes sense? maybe it'll make more sense when you read the chapter, idk. also sorry if it's annoying that i'm always explaining things like this but i just feel like if you understand why a writer is doing something, it might help you understand the way things are going. who knows tho.

it's becoming a pattern, i see, but thank you for your kind words jeu de mots, sheepish, and lalarandoms. you guys are the real MVPs. also, minnicked, welcome aboard fren. better late than never right. forreal though, thank you guys for reading and following, etc. it means a lot :)

fyi – i learned that a mapp hearing is basically just a hearing that determines if prosecution can introduce evidence into the trial, so...the more you know.

so, thank you again for all the continued support! read on!

* * *

 **13x06 – True Believers**

Amanda looks up from her paperwork when she hears the unmistakable sound of Olivia returning to the precinct. She tries to be discreet about it, but the blonde can't stop herself from staring as the older detective sheds her coat, perfectly styled curls falling back into place as Olivia sweeps her hair over her shoulder. It's not fair, Amanda thinks, how just the presence of the other woman is enough to knock her completely off her game.

The younger detective mentally kicks herself before looking back down to the report she had been working on, still unable to stop herself from picking up on the conversation between Olivia and Cragen outside of his office.

"What happened?"

"She's just a kid," Olivia's voice is soft, "She's a sophomore at the Manhattan Academy of Music, and she was raped at gunpoint in her apartment yesterday."

Amanda's heart aches, it's always tough to hear their victims' stories, but the thought of someone so young having such a big part of them stolen away early in life is heartbreaking.

"Did she tell anyone?" Cragen asks, and Amanda can tell he's trying to decide what to do about the case.

Olivia hesitates, and the blonde lets out a disappointed sigh, "She showered right after and returned to school for a recital."

"So, you're the only person she's told?" the captain rubs his eyes, "Great. You and Amaro need to take her to get a rape kit, we'll need every bit of evidence we can get."

"Actually, she's pretty upset, and I'm still trying to build trust," Olivia says slowly, "I think it would be better if Rollins went instead."

Amanda's head flies up at this, and she looks over at the other two. Cragen looks past Olivia and meets his detective's eyes.

"Okay, keep it easy for her," he turns away, "Fin. Amaro. Head over to the apartment with CSU."

Olivia catches a glimpse of Nick, and the other detective doesn't seem to be bothered by her suggestion. She hadn't even thought about it before she asked Cragen to switch it up, but it felt right somehow. Casting her eyes over to Amanda, Olivia gives the woman a small smile before returning to her desk and gathering her things.

Amanda can't help but feel excitement bloom inside her. She knows Amaro probably benefits more from being Olivia's partner, having come from narcotics and not SVU like she had, but it was a no brainer that Amanda much preferred being able to work closely with her brunette colleague.

The blonde falls into step with Olivia as they walk out of the precinct, a comfortable silence between them.

…

When they get to the hospital, Amanda can see as soon as she looks at Sarah's expression that the blonde student obviously expected only Olivia to be there. She bows out respectfully, earning a grateful look from Olivia. It was nice to be there with the brunette, but the victim came first, so Amanda made herself comfortable in a chair outside of the curtain.

When she sees a woman in a bright pink cardigan make a beeline for the curtain surrounding their victim's hospital bed, Amanda gets the feeling it isn't good news. It's a flurry of heels and over the top energy that the blonde knows has no place in a somber setting like this.

The woman identifies herself as Jen, Sarah's crisis counselor, and the abrupt interference she causes doesn't bode well for building trust with the victim. She only catches bits and pieces of what is said, and it's not going well.

"…showered…lack of physical violence…difficult to prosecute…"

Amanda bites her tongue. _Someone_ is about to face the wrath of Olivia Benson.

Sure enough, she hears the woman say a few more words and Olivia's strong reply follows, before the two of them are leaving Sarah's bedside and moving their conversation to the waiting room. Amanda stands up then, ready to offer assistance to Olivia if need be.

"What are you doing?"

The blonde watches as Olivia's fiery eyes scan Jen's face for some sort of explanation, "It's my job to make sure the survivor knows everything about the process. I'm not here to sugarcoat things."

"How long have you worked here?" Olivia snaps.

Amanda can see the question touches a nerve, "You may have been here longer, but I have fresh eyes, and the reality is that our justice system doesn't always do what it's supposed to. She doesn't need any further trauma."

The younger detective averts her eyes to the ground. Jen apparently doesn't know who she's talking to.

"I understand-" Olivia's tone changes then and it's almost unnoticeable, but Amanda picks up the traces of despair in the brunette's tone, "-but that girl has just been _robbed_ of all her power and all of her humanity, and you're telling me the best advice you can offer is to walk away and pretend it didn't happen?"

"I didn't mean-"

Olivia dismisses her, "It doesn't matter."

The brunette turns to go back to Sarah, but her eyes lock with Amanda before she quickly averts her gaze back to their victim. Amanda doesn't know why, but from the look in Olivia's eyes, she gets the feeling that the brunette's words were coming from a more personal place than a professional one, and the ramifications that come with that have Amanda's head spinning.

They haven't spoken about Olivia's strange behavior on the day Martell snapped since it happened, but Amanda's smart, she's experienced her own trauma, and she's beginning to connect the dots.

For once, she hopes she's wrong.

…

Maybe they _are_ on the same team, but Amanda really hates Bayard Ellis right now.

Michael Wedmore's lawyer had transformed into a champion for civil liberties, which means that apparently everything the detectives had done up to this point in the case needs to be scrutinized.

"I'll need a copy of the elevator surveillance tape," Ellis pauses, "I'd also like the UF20's from the stop and frisks."

Amanda locks eyes with Fin, her annoyance showing in her tone, "Uh, what?"

Ellis retells the events of the past two nights, as if Amanda and Fin had suddenly forgotten their actions rather than being confused by the fact that there was no good reason he was digging everything up again.

Cragen comes over then and instructs the two detectives to get Ellis whatever he needs. Amanda begrudgingly obliges, leading Fin away so they can begin the undoubtedly copious amounts of paperwork.

As if that isn't bad enough, Wedmore makes bail, and Amanda pictures Sarah's distraught face in her mind. The way things go sometimes makes her stomach roll.

She's at their little coffee bar making herself a drink – it's the only way she can carry on with all of Ellis' _bullshit_ – and she feels Olivia come up behind her. Curiously enough, Amanda counts to three and Olivia still hasn't said anything. She wonders briefly if she isn't the only one who tries and fails miserably to be discreet.

"I heard Wedmore posted bail," Amanda turns, smirking when Olivia jumps back a little, blush rising in her cheeks.

"Yeah," Olivia recovers quickly, her disappointment in their case's turn of events masking any previous emotions, "I heard Ellis decided to bury you in paperwork."

There's a smirk tugging at the corner of her lips, and Amanda gets the feeling Olivia's no stranger to the red tape that sometimes ties up their unit.

"I'm pretty sure it gave me carpal tunnel," the blonde deadpans, "How's Sarah?"

Olivia sighs, reaching for a cup of her own, "She wants to go at it alone. She doesn't want her mom or dad, or anyone really, to know."

"Wow," Amanda leans against the table, watching as Olivia expertly goes through the motions of making coffee, "She's not very old, 20, right?"

"Nineteen."

Amanda looks down to her cup, "God. You remember when you thought you were strong enough, you could handle anything by yourself?"

A haunted look flashes in Olivia's eyes, but she doesn't give Amanda much time to think about it, gesturing for the blonde to follow her.

"Yeah, those were the days," the older detective tries to laugh a little as she says it, but Amanda can tell it's forced.

They walk towards their fellow detectives, everyone now huddled outside of the captain's office.

"What's up Sergeant?" Olivia questions Munch, a delicate hand stirring her coffee.

"Ellis has decided to do his due diligence," the Sergeant answers dryly, "He's also requested a Mapp hearing for Wedmore's weapon."

Olivia rolls her eyes at this, momentarily caught off guard by Nick's intense gaze.

"You'll both need to testify," Munch continues, gesturing to Nick and Olivia.

"Well, I'm ready. Let's do this."

Amanda watches with mild amusement as Olivia tries to mask her slight eye roll, making a mental note to ask what's going on between the brunette woman and her partner.

"He also wants a Wade hearing, he's challenging the fairness of the drive-by ID that was conducted."

Olivia groans, "Great. That'll be us again."

"As well as Fin and Rollins," Munch smirks, clearly annoyed with the situation, but slightly entertained by the childlike defiance his detectives are showing, "You can all carpool."

"You're enjoying this way too much, old man."

They all laugh as Fin thumps Munch in his shoulder, sending the eldest detective off balance.

"Forreal though," Fin grows serious, "This was all good police work. What's Ellis tryin' to do?"

Olivia huffs, not hiding any of the bitterness she's feeling, "Death by a thousand paper cuts."

"Alright, alright," Munch quiets them as chatter picks up, "To the courthouse you go, children."

Olivia and Amanda share an annoyed look before they turn to leave, despite the fact that they're both inwardly pleased with the silently agreed upon decision to ride together.

…

In the end, Jen is right.

Wedmore gets off on all of the charges, and justice is far out of sight for Sarah. Amanda sits next to Olivia during the trial, and she can see the tensing of the brunette's body when the jury foreman reads off their verdict. When the last decision is announced, the words "not guilty" echo throughout the courtroom, and Amanda watches with concerned eyes as Olivia is up in a second, moving towards a grief-stricken Sarah.

She watches as the girl pulls away from Olivia, can see the hurt flash across the brunette's beautiful face when their victim does so.

Amanda stands up after a moment, moving closer to the pair without invading their space. She hears Olivia's honey voice trying desperately to soothe the young blonde.

"Sarah, listen to me," Olivia pleads, "Sending him to prison, isn't going to heal you. Healing begins when someone bears witness."

Amanda feels her throat constrict, the raw emotion in her colleague's soulful voice causing her heart to skip a beat.

"I _saw_ you," the brunette detective chokes out, sounding as if she is on the verge of tears and her tone urgent, "I believe _you_."

Sarah is pulled away by her family, and Amanda isn't quite sure how to interpret the expression on her face when it happens. A tear rolls down the young girl's cheek as she's pulled away, her eyes never leaving Olivia's. The brunette stands still, unable to tear her gaze away from the retreating back of another victim who was robbed of justice.

"Olivia," Amanda says softly, finally walking towards the brunette.

The woman shakes her head, looking away from Amanda, "I'm fine."

Amanda can't do anything but watch as Olivia ducks her head before walking out, aching to go after the other woman.

She doesn't. She lets her go.

…

It's almost ten that night when Olivia hears a knock on her door.

If it's Nick again, she's not going to be very pleased. After their little spat outside of the courtroom following the hearing on the firearm, she figures it's probably not Nick who is knocking on her door this evening. She wants to be annoyed, wants to be able to hide behind fatigue, but the truth is that she's nowhere close to being able to fall asleep yet. Sarah had affected her deeply, from their exchange in her apartment to the crushed look on the girl's face when her attacker went free. The young girl's words are still ringing in Olivia's head, and she hears them when she shuts her eyes.

" _In your experience? Until you've been raped, you don't get it."_

Sarah was right. She doesn't get it. But she does understand the helplessness, the feeling of being a stranger in your own body. She knows what it's like to look around a space that is supposed to be safe for you and wonder how much of it is yours to keep. Can you really own something if it's taken over by nightmares and bad memories?

Olivia gets up from the couch anyway, already having a good idea of who was on the other side of her door. Had it been anyone besides the blonde detective, she probably would fake slumber, but Amanda clearly knows her better than that. Or she'd made a lucky guess. Olivia has a feeling it's not the latter.

Her fingers are shaky when she slides the chain across, suddenly nervous about the prospect of Amanda seeing this side of her, unable to pull off any type of masquerade in her own home. At least, not right now. For whatever reason, she still finds comfort in the idea of the blonde being here. Although Amanda never pushed Olivia to discuss anything more than she cared to, the older detective knows the woman is perceptive, and more than likely piecing things together herself.

"Hi," the blonde says softly, nervously leaning from foot to foot while Olivia opens the door fully, "I know this probably isn't the best time and a text would've probably been better but-"

Olivia shakes her head, "No. No, I- I'm actually glad you came."

Amanda nods at this, slightly swaying and still unsure of herself.

"I'm sorry. Come in, it's freezing out there."

Amanda smiles shyly, stepping over the threshold and taking in every detail about Olivia's apartment that she can. She can hear the brunette locking the door and sliding the chain back in place, and a beat of silence passes while Amanda takes in Olivia's home and Olivia watches the blonde.

Olivia moves to the left of Amanda, slipping past her into the kitchen, "Can I get you anything to drink? Water? Juice? Wine?"

Amanda tears her eyes away from her surroundings and Olivia becomes the new object of her focus.

"No, thank you," the blonde smiles gently, not wanting to put Olivia out any more than she feels she already has.

Olivia shrugs, "Suit yourself."

The woman's playful tone draws a smirk from Amanda's lips, and she watches as Olivia goes about making herself a drink. Olivia's obviously opted for a more casual outfit since being at home. Despite popular beliefs around the precinct, the brunette does own something other than slacks, blouses, and suit jackets, and Amanda approves one hundred percent. The brunette is dressed in a plain navy pullover and a pair of charcoal colored leggings, hair clipped up messily, and Amanda doesn't think she's ever seen something as beautiful. The blonde herself is still dressed in a pair of black skinny jeans and a loose gray t-shirt that she had worn to work that day, unwilling to show up to her colleague's house in anything more casual than that.

"Are you staring again, Rollins?"

Olivia's knowing tone snaps Amanda out of her thoughts and she quickly looks away from the woman, redness rising in her cheeks even though Olivia hadn't even turned around.

 _Real subtle, Amanda._

The brunette finally does turn, walking past Amanda with a glass of wine in hand. She bumps into the blonde lightly as she moves away from the younger detective, throwing a smirk over her shoulder. Amanda forces a smile, although she's still embarrassed at having been caught by the brunette, whether Olivia knew for sure that she was being watched or not.

"I was just kidding," Olivia's eyes are filled with mirth when she looks up at Amanda from her new place on the far side of the couch, "Please, come sit down."

Olivia tucks her legs to her chest and pats the space next to her, indicating that the blonde should get comfortable there. Amanda obliges, sliding off her shoes on the doormat before shedding her coat and laying it on the counter that divides Olivia's kitchen from her living room. She sits down gingerly on Olivia's couch, tucking one leg under herself and keeping another off the side of the couch.

"So, are you and Amaro visiting everyone at home?" the brunette asks, and although she shows outward sign of it, Amanda can tell that the older woman is once again teasing, "We have cell phones you know?"

Amanda's face falls despite knowing that Olivia is kidding, and she instantly feels regretful that she had basically invited herself over, "I'm-"

"Don't you dare apologize, Amanda," Olivia smiles, "I'm messing with you. Is everything okay? I feel like you're on edge."

Relief courses through the blonde's veins and she shakes her head, "Yeah, no, I'm fine. I just worry about making you uncomfortable."

Olivia's features soften, "You don't make me uncomfortable. I would tell you if you did."

"Okay," Amanda nods and releases a breath, grateful for the reassurance from the brunette, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Huh?"

Olivia creases her brow, "You said thank you. For what?"

"Oh, um, nothing," Amanda shrugs off the question, instead finding something suddenly very interesting on Olivia's wall.

The brunette detective regards Amanda carefully then, taking a sip of wine from her glass, still unsure as to why the blonde detective had showed up at her doorstep.

Olivia decides not to push, instead opting to find out why she had come over, "If you say so. What's up?"

Amanda looks back to the woman seated across from her, trying to figure out how to go about this. She wants to ask a million different questions, all of them sounding too personal as she goes over them in her head. The blonde wants to know what happened to Olivia, wants to know where her impassioned words to Sarah had come from, what contributed to the rawness in her voice that morning she spoke with Jen. It was more than just Olivia's years on the job, and Amanda was sure of it.

She plays it safe.

"The verdict today, it was rough."

Olivia's brows raise, "Yes, it was."

"I overheard you talking to Sarah," the blonde says quietly, "Afterwards, I mean."

"And?"

Amanda looks down and twines her thumbs together. _This was a mistake_.

Olivia observes the woman quietly, and she knows that Amanda is tiptoeing around something. The brunette knows it's probably related to herself, and that's likely the reason that the younger detective is so hesitant. Part of her wishes that Amanda would just come out with it, but Olivia can't help admiring the control that Amanda is exerting over herself. She can't remember the last time that someone had been so unwaveringly concerned yet so careful with her, and it warms the brunette's heart.

"Amanda, what do you really want to ask?" Olivia finally breaks the silence between them, "Why are you here?"

Amanda looks away, unable to meet Olivia's intense stare, "I guess I just noticed a lot of things that seemed connected lately, and I wanted, well, _want,_ to make sure that if you need to talk to someone, you can. I've always found it hard to reach out when I needed to."

Olivia files the last bit of Amanda's response away, noting again how similar the two of them are. She knows where this is going, knows exactly what Amanda has been picking up on, and even though she feels as though she should be nervous about the idea of telling the blonde, Olivia feels completely at ease. Hell, she was about to tell Amanda that day in the interrogation room _anyway_.

The brunette wants to push Amanda a little farther though, her desire to know just how much the younger detective was paying attention to her taking over.

"And what… _things_ have you noticed?"

Amanda feels heat rise in her cheeks, still unsure of just how comfortable Olivia is with her.

 _You're on her couch at half past ten. You know she'll stop you if you cross a line_ , _what the hell are you waiting for?_ Therein lies the problem, Amanda thinks bitterly. She doesn't _want_ Olivia to have to stop her.

 _Buck. Up._

Olivia never takes her eyes off of the blonde, watching with interest as Amanda struggles to put her words together.

"Well there was the whole thing with Martell," Amanda says cautiously, "You reacted like someone who's been pinned like that before, you froze instead of fighting back. You indicated that something has happened in the past that contributed to a lot of things that day, and I think that whatever Martell's actions reminded you of was something really awful – not just a routine risk of the job."

Olivia keeps her face passive, neither denying nor affirming Amanda's suspicions.

"And then the other day, at the hospital," the blonde continues, "the way you spoke to Jen about how Sarah was feeling – that was more than just your experience as an SVU detective speaking."

Amanda searches Olivia's eyes for any sign of anger or discomfort. Olivia hasn't moved an inch since the blonde started talking, and she remains still, Amanda taking her silence as a cue to continue on.

"Then today, after the trial. The way you were talking to her again, it was real. You wouldn't feed that girl some bullshit line about healing unless you truly believed it. Which means at some point you needed to heal from something, and I think that it's all connected."

Olivia stays silent for a few seconds longer, sensing that Amanda is finished, "You're a good detective, Rollins."

It's an insincere reply, and they both know it.

Olivia's mind is racing, and she knows that even if she were to deny everything, chalk it all up to her countless hours of experience, Amanda would still know. The blonde would let it go, yes, but Olivia is acutely aware of the fact that her brain is practically screaming at her to spill it out to the younger woman. She feels safe sitting across from Amanda, and there's not a single part of her that believes the blonde has any ulterior motives.

"What do you want to know about it?" Olivia finally asks, downing almost all of what remained in her glass.

Amanda doesn't miss a beat, "Whatever you feel comfortable telling me."

Olivia takes a deep breath. She hasn't talked about what had happened a little over four years ago since the immediate aftermath when she had undergone several counseling sessions. Dark eyes focus on the bottom of the glass still currently in hand, and Olivia is finishing off the remaining wine before shifting to set the now empty wine glass on the coffee table. In an effort to not feel as distant from the woman she was about to reveal a very private, very personal part of herself to, Olivia swings both of her legs onto the ground, bringing her only a few inches away from where Amanda still patiently sits.

"It was four years ago that day. We had a case where a CO was peddling drugs to the inmates at Sealview in exchange for _favors_ ," Olivia spits out the last word, disgust rolling over her in waves, "He caught an inmate with marijuana and told her she'd better start getting him what he wanted or else. He got his drugs from her under the threat of violence, and when she finally stood up to him and stopped supplying, he tracked down her daughter and raped her. She was only sixteen."

Amanda swallows thickly, watching as Olivia's eyes get a little more distant. The brunette is now staring intently at the coffee table, and the younger detective knows that Olivia is slowly venturing somewhere that had been kept locked up and pushed deeply into the woman's mind.

"She was so scared to cooperate because the man practically held her mother's life in his hands, and we learned that she wasn't the only one. The women there were treated subhuman, beaten and assaulted, and no one was being held accountable for it. The CO stole our victim's rape kit from the hospital. His badge was similar enough and they were so busy that no one caught it. We had nothing to go on," Olivia continues, blinking a couple times but otherwise unmoving.

Amanda shakes her head, "And the women inside were too scared to talk."

Olivia nods, unconsciously wrapping her arms around her stomach.

"You went in there, didn't you?" the blonde feels her heart beating faster, all the horrible scenarios and danger that Olivia could've been in now flashing through her mind.

"I convinced Cragen to let me go in undercover. We couldn't tell the warden, though, so it had to be all in. I was alone except for Fin. We were lucky," she takes in a shuddering breath, " _I_ was lucky that there was a job opening for a CO, and he was able to go in with me. I had nothing, Amanda, I had just as much power, or rather, just as little power as the women who were sentenced there."

Amanda shifts on the couch then, moving her legs off the side and scooting a tiny bit closer to Olivia.

"Eventually there was a TB breakout and they wouldn't tell us anything about it. The two women I was sitting with when we were quarantined confronted one of the more volatile CO's and it turned into a small riot. They came in and broke it up, everyone was forced to lay down until they removed us one by one. Except me, I was the last one left," Olivia's voice shakes, "I had finally caught _his_ attention."

The blonde looks over at Olivia then, taking in the gorgeous dark eyes, smooth, tan skin, perfect lips, the elegant slope of her neck, and the brunette tendrils that had escaped from Olivia's beautiful curls, now framing the woman's perfect features.

 _Of course she did._

"His name was Lowell Harris, and he was the Correction Captain of this prison. He was the one who was doing it all, who raped our victim and did the same to her mother before murdering her," Olivia feels herself choking up and wills it back, desperately wanting to keep Amanda from seeing any weakness, "And he tried to do the same to me."

Amanda's stomach drops, and she feels nausea take over her body. She wants to throw up, the thought of someone forcing themselves on a defenseless Olivia is enough to make Amanda want to scream. She hopes he's dead, hopes she never finds out what he looks like, never comes into contact with the man for whatever reason – otherwise she'd kill him herself.

"It was so close, Amanda," Olivia whispers, finally looking over to the woman next to her.

Piercing blue eyes stare back, and Olivia can see the rage and dismay swirling in the other detective's gaze.

Amanda's hesitant again, not wanting to do anything to make this any harder for Olivia, but she gathers the courage to gently reach over and grasp the brunette's hand in her own, tightly tangling their fingers together like she had a couple weeks ago. It's Olivia who squeezes back this time, once more shifting closer to the woman who was currently keeping her grounded.

"He handcuffed me, and he said that I was going to give him what every guy wants," Olivia's voice is hoarse and a slight tremble moves through her slim frame, "He said that I must like it rough, that he was going to take his time with me. My hands were behind my back, I couldn't fight back and I ended up pinned against the wall. He would grind into me, saying he loved it when I struggled."

Amanda can't help but close her eyes tightly, unconsciously holding Olivia's arm a little closer to her body, her thumb gently working soothing circles on the soft skin of the woman's hand.

"You don't have to keep going, Olivia, I-"

The brunette shakes her head, "I was screaming so much. At the top of my lungs, I was yelling for help with everything I had, but no one was coming."

A single tear makes it past Olivia's defenses, and Amanda watches it trail slowly down the brunette's cheek, longing to reach over and wipe it away. The gesture seems too intimate, and as Amanda let her eyes rake over Olivia's form, she couldn't bring herself to risk upsetting the uncharacteristically vulnerable brunette.

"He undid my cuffs and I got away from him, but I was trapped down there. I tried to hide but he found me. He said that the longer I made him wait, the harder it would be. He used his nightstick to knock the wind out of me, and he handcuffed my hands to the bars on one of the doors," Olivia is shaking now, and Amanda had never meant to make Olivia relive something so horrific, "I had never felt so helpless, and he was trying to make me use my mouth, he almost did. If Fin hadn't come in when he did, I would've-"

The thought alone is enough to send more tears out of Olivia's eyes and Amanda feels her own eyes burn as Olivia leans into her side, holding onto the blonde's hand as if her life depends on it.

"Olivia," Amanda struggles to find her voice, "I am _so_ sorry."

The younger detective wants nothing more than to draw Olivia into her arms and never let go, but that isn't her place, and no matter how much she may want it to be, Amanda has to force herself to stay where she is, allowing Olivia to seek out what she needs.

They stay like that for a while, hands wound tightly together and Amanda continuing to be Olivia's rock to lean on.

Eventually Olivia collects herself, putting everything back into the neat little boxes she keeps the contents of her mind in. She never shies away from Amanda, though, and the blonde is overwhelmed with the amount of trust Olivia put in her tonight. She's also rocked by the unbridled feeling of protectiveness that swells in her chest when she looks at the woman next to her, a woman who is so composed normally, yet just allowed Amanda to see one of the most guarded parts of her.

Unsure of what to say, Amanda thinks of Olivia's words earlier that day.

The blonde ducks her head, the action causing Olivia to meet her gaze, wide brown eyes filled with a myriad of emotions.

"Olivia, I _see_ you," Amanda whispers, "I always will."

It takes the brunette a second to respond, the other woman's words causing her heart to beat rapidly.

"I know you do, Amanda," Olivia whispers brokenly, "Please don't ever let me lose sight of myself."

The words carry an incredible amount of weight in them, and Amanda has trouble processing the gravity of the situation. It's a moment that will redefine her life in uncountable ways, but she takes the leap without hesitation.

"I promise."

…

By the time Amanda leaves, midnight has come and gone, and Olivia doesn't know where to begin when it comes to sorting out her emotions from the past few hours. Amanda had sat with her on the couch for a good while after they had finished talking, tenderly soothing Olivia with her touch, but never once causing the brunette to feel any uneasiness.

She's not entirely convinced that she wouldn't have fallen asleep next to Amanda had the blonde not apologetically removed herself from the apartment, Olivia having been lulled into an indescribable calm by the blonde detective.

It's a scary thought, how willing she was to let Amanda in, to let her guard down so completely around the woman, and Olivia has never been more unsure about what to do than she is in that moment. As she sits on her couch, mustering up the energy to move to her bed, Olivia can't help but replay part of the conversation she had with Ellis outside the courthouse.

" _I do okay on my own."_

" _You sure about that?"_

Amanda's caring blue eyes and tender touch flash into her mind then, and for the first time, Olivia no longer believes her words.


	7. 13x07 - Russian Brides

it still counts as on time if i got it in before midnight, right? ;) anyway, here you go. this one and the next may _seem_ a little slow idk. but i have big plans soon mwahahaha. the way i do this is i watch an episode i'm about to write, and then the one after in case anything happens that would affect my writing for the episode at hand. i got carried away yesterday though (yes i was procrastinating my studies, sue me), and watched like the next six and BOI are you guys gonna get it. like i'll be honest– i'm _going_ to hurt you. and probably on purpose.

so get ready to strap into a rollercoaster, my loves, because it's gonna get a crazy. soon. i just have one more final left so i'll have tons of free time soon and i'm _pumped_. also i noticed Liv keeps a picture of JFK on her desk and i don't know why but i find it very amusing.

one last thing: is it just me, or for those of you watching the current season, does Olivia just seem unhappy? i know she has stress but comparatively i just feel like she's less happy and i have no idea why. (besides the fact she isn't dating amanda, what)

ok enough now. as always, lalarandoms, jeu, minnicked, and sheepish, thank you so much, you guys seriously brighten my day :) to all of you who are reading, following, favoriting, anything, thank you for the support, and i hope you enjoy!

* * *

 **13x07 – Russian Brides**

If she's being honest with herself, Olivia hasn't been able to get Amanda out of her head.

Their talk a couple nights ago had been something she did _not_ see coming. The brunette hadn't even disclosed the full details to Elliot, or to anyone, really. She told him some, but not the way she _felt_ , the emotions, the way she could feel her heart pumping fear through her veins. She had tried so desperately to tell herself that it would be okay, it was just an act, but Olivia had never been more scared in her life when she was down in that basement, and it haunted her a little bit every day.

Until Amanda.

Talking about it, having the closeness of the blonde and her steady support had been something Olivia didn't know she needed, _craved_ , even. It was getting hard to focus on anything besides the feelings that swirled in her stomach whenever Amanda looked at her, those big blue eyes always full of compassion, care, and something else that Olivia couldn't place, or rather, didn't have the guts to.

However, the brunette detective was a professional, and no matter how much she wanted to dwell on the developing relationship between herself and her colleague, there were victims to help. So, Olivia found herself in the precinct that morning, two steaming cups of coffee in hand.

They'd been working tirelessly to piece together what the hell was going on with Lena and the whole Russian bride scam that was apparently causing women to lose their lives. It had been pretty constant work, and Olivia was also worrying about their captain and the toll that undercover work was taking on him. Amanda, though, had been a ray of light and Olivia swore it was helping her through the late nights. She pushes this out of her head, unable to dwell on it further without working up more anxiety for herself, and instead focuses on the warm cups in her hands.

It was professional to bring your co-worker coffee, right?

She's nervous, never having done these types of things before. Sure, when Elliot was her partner, Olivia would bring them snacks or drinks, and vice versa, but she never put so much thought into it. When Olivia finally makes it into the precinct, Amanda is nowhere in sight. The brunette feels her heart drop, having gotten there a few minutes early in hopes of stealing a few seconds with the blonde before the other detectives show up.

With a disappointed sigh, Olivia heads to her desk and sets down the drinks before shedding her coat. It's only when she hangs her jacket on the desk chair that she notices another fresh coffee waiting for her next to her computer. A smile makes its way onto her face, the brunette knowing exactly who had apparently stopped at the small café down the street on their way to work.

 _Apparently I'm not the only professional here_.

Olivia's heart warms at the gesture, the idea that the blonde had been thinking about her causing a blush to rise involuntarily.

"Well, this is awkward."

Olivia spins around, finding Amanda standing behind her, hands planted in her back pockets.

"Yeah," Olivia looks down at her desk and then back to the blonde, "I don't know how I'm going to drink all three."

The blonde can't help but laugh, "Are you using those NYPD tricks to read my mind, Detective Benson?"

"I might be," Olivia winks before schooling her features and gazing intently at the blonde, "You better watch out, Rollins."

The lighthearted banter keeps a smile on Amanda's face, but there's a flash of something in Olivia's eyes that makes her feel like the brunette very well may be on to her. The look is gone in a second though, and Olivia is instead focusing on the cups that now occupy her desk.

"Seriously though, we're just gonna do double duty on caffeine today?"

"We'll figure it out," Amanda shrugs, "Thank you for thinking of me, though."

Olivia's smile is radiant, "I suppose I should thank you too, then."

"You know what they say – manners maketh the man," Amanda smirks.

"Well, thank you then, Amanda," Olivia hums, stepping closer to the blonde, "But I'm no _man_."

Amanda feels her throat dry up like the damn Sahara and she struggles to swallow, Olivia's whole presence is entirely hypnotizing and it's suddenly very hard to breath. The brunette looks _too_ satisfied with herself and Amanda wants to wipe the smirk off of her face, maybe with a kiss, who knows? A beat passes and Olivia leans steps back, winking at the blonde before the sound of Nick and Amaro arguing over some new movie echoes off of the precinct walls.

"Liv, you got us coffee, you shouldn't have!"

Olivia's silent for a second, not knowing what to say as Fin walks in, happily eyeing the two extra drinks on her desk. Amaro's grinning now too, and the brunette just looks at Amanda. The blonde shrugs, amusement playing on her features.

Amanda leans in, smiling softly as she lowers her voice, "I guess you got that sorted out. Buuuuuut you also owe me a coffee now, you know?"

Olivia gives the woman a small push, playfully rolling her eyes as Amanda exaggerates her reaction before sitting down at her desk. The blonde's grinning, and Olivia can't help but smile too, warmth spreading throughout her body.

Fin and Nick continue their argument, caffeine now helping the two men to become even more lively and Olivia shakes her head. The two might as well still be teenagers.

Cragen and Munch meander in next, a series of "good morning's" being exchanged before the captain retreats to his office, needing to prepare for his "date" today with Lena. Ideally they'll be able to catch Liev Bodrov, a member of the mafia and the person behind the rapes and murders, but Olivia hates seeing Cragen so dejected.

Her attention is drawn back to her squad mates, as Munch seems to be ready to stir up some absurdity.

"What, did I miss the memo this morning?" the sergeant asks, nodding to everyone's drinks.

Fin shrugs, but he's got the biggest smirk on his face, "You snooze you lose, old man."

"I think 'fearless leader' is what you meant to say," Munch shoots back, sliding into his own seat.

Olivia's highly amused, their antics sometimes grate her nerves, but they're also a nice break from the stress of their job. It's rare she joins in, but the brunette can't help herself. Her mind flashes back to their last case and the way Munch looked a little too amused when Ellis had buried them in paperwork.

"Here's the final reports of what we had to submit to the DA and Ellis, you'll need to sign them," Olivia drops the forms on his desk, ready to be rid of the nonsense paperwork and a smile playing on her lips as she leans in close, "Payback's a bitch."

She returns to her desk, feeling more satisfied than she should as she takes a drink of her coffee. Amanda pays attention, apparently, and it's the perfect amount of cream and sugar. Munch is looking at her now, a full-on scowl taking over his features as the other three detectives burst into laughter.

"I'll get you," he mouths, before spinning around in his chair.

Olivia looks over to Amanda and finds the blonde staring at her, cheeks flush from laughing. The brunette can't help but let her eyes roam over the woman's figure, heat spreading in her lower stomach.

 _Stop._

If Amanda notices, she does nothing, instead holding her cup up in a toast. Olivia returns the gesture before they both turn back to their computers, already neck deep in logistics for the afternoon's setup.

…

It's a pretty stressful day all around, and everyone's been on the move or getting a plan lined up in order to prepare for Cragen's meeting with Lena.

It's finally time to go, and everyone takes up their positions while Lena and the captain work to sell their "relationship." The bright side, Amanda muses, as she waits at one of the tables on the lower level, is she got a drink out of it. They're waiting for Liev to show up, but it's kind of hard to spot a guy in the open-air market and restaurant combo that they're stationed in.

Nick catches her eyes finally, and he gives a subtle nod to his right. The blonde looks over and sees Bodrov, trying to lay low at one of the stands. She averts her eyes back to Nick, a silent question playing on her features. He nods briefly, and they both look back over to Liev, who's now staring right at Amanda.

 _Oh fuck, he made us._

Both her and Nick's movements are more urgent as the man starts to look around for an exit. Amanda can see Olivia and Fin coming up behind him, and the blonde knows the moment he recognizes that he's walked into a trap. Anger takes over his features then, and Amanda watches with dread as he pulls out a firearm. He turns away from them then, directing his attention towards Olivia and Fin, who've now started to talk to him.

"Liev Bodrov," the Olivia commands, "NYPD. Drop the gun."

Amanda can tell from his body language that the guy isn't walking out of here. Her pulse picks up when she looks at Olivia, Bodrov's gun pointed straight at her chest. Fin's telling him to drop the gun now too, and she can see Nick advancing out of the corner of her eyes. The blonde knows she ought to be moving with him, but her focus is locked on Olivia, and her heart is dropping quickly.

The brunette doesn't have on a vest.

They're still trying to reason with him, trying to talk him down, but Amanda's seen this before. He won't give up, and he'd rather die than be taken into custody. It's the first time she considers a shooting lucky, but Liev turns to run, any attempt at aiming now out of the question. He gets off a shot in the general direction of Fin and Olivia, and the blonde's demeanor hardens.

Amanda's bullet is in his chest before he can take a second step.

She immediately locks eyes with Olivia, who looks positively overwhelmed for a second but is otherwise unharmed. Relief floods through Amanda's veins. All four of them rush to the body, Nick recovering his gun as Olivia and Fin check Bodrov's vitals. Amanda's still in a bit of a haze, her mind going a million miles a minute as she thinks about how easy it would be for them to be standing over Olivia's body instead.

It's as if Oliva really can read her mind.

The brunette walks around the other two detectives, exchanging a few words with Cragen and a distraught Lena before coming to stand in front of Amanda.

"It was a good shot," her voice is soothing, and Amanda can only nod, "Not to mention, you probably saved my ass."

The brunette laughs a little, but Amanda can't entertain a joke about it, not right now. Olivia seems to get it, her features becoming somber, and instead reaches out to grasp Amanda's arm.

"It's okay," Oliva says softly, making sure Amanda looks at her.

 _I'm okay_.

It's enough for the blonde, and she turns up the corner of her lips briefly.

"What have you done!" Lena's high-pitched screen causes both women's heads to turn, "His soldiers are going to kill my daughter!"

Amanda watches with admiration as Olivia's eyes fill with compassion, the brunette's empathy and heart never resting.

"Let's help her get her kid back," the blonde says softly, looking over at the older detective.

Olivia squeezes her shoulder, lightly moving the blonde forward with her, "Alright, partner."

…

Amanda isn't allowed in the raid that follows, her firearm and earlier shooting under review by IAB. It's procedure, and nothing will come of it – she'll be back to work in full capacity tomorrow. That doesn't change the fact, however, that her colleagues are currently walking into something that could very well be a trap.

 _Olivia_ is walking into something that could be a trap.

At least this time they have vests on, _and_ a SWAT team, but the blonde doesn't understand why SVU has to go in with them. They could just as easily investigate the scene as soon as it's cleared by the guys in full tactical gear. She can't do shit about it though, as she's forced to wait in the car with Cragen and Lena as they listen over the radio. It seems fine enough, and Amanda's eagerly waiting the news that they've found Lena's daughter. The best days are the ones that have outcomes like that.

And then there's heavy, automatic gunfire, and Amanda's paralyzed. Her eyes lock with Cragen for a second before the radio switches on, Nick's voice coming through in a panic.

" _Shots fired! Shot's fired! We have an officer down!"_

The blonde jumps out of the car with Cragen in an instant, the captain yelling at Lena to stay with the other officer. They run to the house, both of them with an indescribable feeling of dread in their stomach.

 _She has on a vest. She has on a vest. She has on a vest._

Amanda repeats the mantra to herself over and over, unable to think about the fact that for the second time in one day, Olivia was in a position where her life could be taken away. Nick steps out of the house, his face unreadable.

"It's all clear, they're down."

Cragen doesn't stop moving, "Who was it?"

He might as well have not said anything, as Nick didn't even get the chance to answer before Cragen was brushing past him and into the house, Amanda hot on his heels.

"Who got hit?"

Amanda hears their captain ask again, but she isn't listening for a response. Her eyes are scanning the room for Olivia, but the brunette detective is nowhere to be found. Amanda's mouth grows dry, uneasiness rising in her chest.

"It's alright, Cap'n," Fin finally answers from his spot on the ground, "The vest caught it."

Amanda hadn't even noticed the man, and she feels guilty when air finally pushes out of her lungs in a deep breath. It wasn't Olivia.

"We searched everywhere, there's no sign of her daughter."

Everyone turns around as Olivia's breathless voice fills the room, distress plainly written on her features having not found the girl. Amanda catches her eye, and the brunette conveys a silent assurance to the blonde. She appreciates Amanda's worry, and the younger detective knows this, but there's still a little girl out there, and that has to be their first priority.

Nick walks over to the door where Olivia is standing, brushing a hand through his hair.

"So, what do we do-"

He's cut off by a gunshot, and he and Olivia duck out of the doorway as everyone tries to figure out what was going on. Nick realizes it first, and Cragen shortly after.

It _was_ a setup, and Lena just murdered an officer.

Amanda knows it's selfish, knows it's not what she should be concerned about, Fin is the one who was hit. Her actual partner.

But as she looks at Olivia one last time, before the brunette will be racing out the door to go arrest Lena, Amanda looks to the older detective's deep, emotional brown eyes, and the fact that she still can is all that matters.


	8. 13x08 - Educated Guess

soooo i'm making good use of my day off haha. i'm back on track, and i should actually get ahead of the game today if i stick to it :) again, this is some slow bonding but we gotta set out the groundwork, yanno? i'm counting and looking at my plans, and it looks like there's some drama in the forecast for the next chapter, and we're gonna start getting into that emotional roller coaster within the next couple of days, so don't go anywhere folks.

sheepish, as always, thank you, you're wonderful x  
minnicked! it's actually a really good season, i didn't realize it and i recommend 10/10. sorry about any spoilers whoops!  
lalarandoms, i hope you feel better! my last lecture hall was a bunch of coughs and it was awful. i'm glad i can help keep you entertained though aha  
jeu de mots um, the thing is i was super late so it's my bad bc i was a tired noodle head and my art history final gutted me basically. but it's all good now, and i hope this lives up to your nugget expectation lmao  
hiccup and rebecca, heyyy welcome to the party haha. thanks for taking the time to write and i appreciate your kinds words so much!  
(rebecca, you english was perfect, don't worry!)

thank you again to everyone for the support, you guys certainly make it enjoyable for me to continue living in my alternate reality lol. read on!

* * *

 **13x08 – Educated Guess**

There's something about running in Central Park on a cool morning that really does wonders for the mind. Unless, of course, you're looking for a man who's groped ten women in the past week alone. Amanda hadn't really enjoyed her last park adventure, and this one wasn't going too well either. It didn't seem like the guy was going to show.

Someone else did, though.

Amanda's in the middle of discussing their options with Fin when they hear the strange shouting. It sounds like the guy is on some kind of drug, and judging by his completely nude state, Amanda figures he is. He's shouting all about some girl that's not there, and eventually he stumbles and falls. Growing up with her family, the blonde detective had seen tons of bad hits go like this, and it was always a bit of a pain in the ass.

It's not their groper, but as Fin calls in the ambulance, Amanda's relieved that something productive came out of her morning run.

She didn't much like going back to work sweaty for no reason.

"Hey, I heard about your, uh, 10-54 in the park. You also have 3000 hits on youtube."

Amanda's sitting at her desk now, thankful that she had been able to shower and one of the other officers had luckily brought a hair dryer. Girls gotta stick together. She can already hear the smirk in Olivia's voice before she turns to face the woman, and the blonde rolls her eyes.

"Do you want an autograph?" Amanda teases back, "The real news is that I think I like Fin's new code for the situation better. What was it again?"

She raises her voice slightly towards the end, trying to get the attention of her partner.

Fin looks up, and when he spots Olivia, Amanda's pretty sure the man's a little embarrassed. To his credit though, he doesn't back down.

"A jackhammer."

Amanda can't hold back the laugh that escapes, feeling Olivia slap her back lightly with an amused scoff.

"Children."

The blonde detective spins in her chair, "What can I say? It keeps us young."

Olivia raises her eyebrows with a nod, skeptical eyes not buying into Amanda's antics.

"I think he's just rubbing off on you, Rollins," the brunette hums winking at Amanda before returning to her own desk.

Olivia smirks at the man across from her as she sits down, watching amusedly as Fin takes in her words and tilts his head.

"Hey, what's wrong with that?!"

…

The judge on Darren Bickford's public exposure case had decided that SVU was to investigate the man's claims that he saw a rape whilst coming down from his high in the LaGuardia psych ward.

Amanda was apprehensive at best, and they really had little to go off of. Who knew if he was in his right mind when he saw it, the description was general at best, and not to mention the fact that credibility would be a nightmare to establish. It was, however, the reason that she became a detective – to help give voices to the people that no one would listen to.

She also gets paired off with Olivia today, given the likely fragile state of their victim.

It's always amazing working with Olivia, and Amanda forgets sometimes how much passion the woman has. She's reminded of Olivia's stubbornness after they interview Gia, the girl that miraculously matched Bickford's description.

"She wants us to do the rape kit," Olivia shakes her head, "She knows we'll find proof."

Amanda's still a little uneasy, not quite knowing what to make of the situation.

"Proof of what? Sex? Patients, I mean, they do stuff together all the time."

The brunette detective looks at her, a slight frown on her features.

"She shows textbook signs of assault. Hypervigilance, fear, she's in denial-"

"Which," Amanda interjects gently, not wanting to upset the other detective, "could also be symptoms from whatever mental illness she may have."

"Well, Gia believes that no one is going to listen to her," Olivia bites out, and Amanda can tell the woman is getting agitated.

Amanda tries her best to tread carefully but gets the feeling she fails at doing so, "She's probably right."

The look Olivia gives her could probably kill, and she hates being on the other side of her colleague's irritated stare.

"Look, Olivia, I'm not saying I don't believe her. I do. But Gia's not even saying she's been raped. We don't know what meds she's on, her symptoms, or even what illness she has. If she was raped, it's gonna be hard as hell to get anyone to believe her."

Olivia can tell that Amanda's worried, and for good reason. Cases that are uphill battles are some of the worst because they usually end with justice being thrown out the window, no matter how hard the victim fights. Even though that makes Oliva want to pull her own hair out, they still have to try.

"Which is why she makes the perfect target."

...

They catch a _really_ lucky break. The attending doctor for Gia's floor is able to give them some of her records, but unfortunately none regarding her psychiatric state. Amanda's standing over Olivia, waiting patiently as the woman goes through the files, looking carefully for anything that could help them. She watches as the brunette brings her hand to her mouth, something that Amanda has noticed the older detective does often when something disturbs her.

"What is it, Olivia?" the blonde asks softly, gently nudging the woman with her shoulder.

Olivia leans back then, looking to Amaro, Munch, and back to Amanda.

"Gia's been abused for _years_."

Olivia reads out what she's found, and Amanda takes a deep breath. It looks bad, but it could also be a result of her treatment and time at LaGuardia.

"There could also be a medical explanation," she says quietly, eyes pleading with Olivia to trust her, "I'm just sayin', this is why we _need_ all of her records."

Munch shakes his head, "That's a pretty tall court order to fill."

"And," Oliva adds, albeit quite dejectedly, "If she has been hiding chronic abuse, she's not going to give us access."

There's silence for a minute, no one knowing what to do or how to go about helping Gia get the truth out now. Amanda almost jumps for joy when she realizes that it might not be Gia they need to get through.

"It might not be her call," Amanda picks nervously at her nails, "Lookin' at Gia's psychiatric history, I'm bettin' her mom is her legal guardian."

The other three detectives stare at her for a moment, and she shifts under their eyes. It's never good to go behind a victim's back, especially when it's already hard to win their trust. Surprisingly, it's Olivia who finally nods, looking up at Amanda with apprehension, but the blonde can see the imperceptible traces of trust that linger in her features.

"We'll go talk to the mother," Olivia offers and they get an affirmative nod from Munch.

They're walking out of the precinct a few minutes later, and Amanda doesn't quite know how Olivia is feeling based on the complete silence that has fallen between them. Luckily, the brunette isn't too shy about her feelings for long around Amanda, and the younger detective finds herself being tugged to a stop outside of the car.

"I don't know how to feel about going behind Gia's back," Olivia admits nervously, but there's relief in her voice at the fact they can still keep the case going, "But that was good thinking in there. We're pulling this case away from a dead end because of you."

The brunette turns away then, moving towards the driver's side of the vehicle. Amanda can't help but smile, the faith Olivia puts in her causing her heart to beat a little bit faster.

…

The case gets harder at every turn, and Amanda wants to scream.

Gia's mom doesn't believe a word her daughter says, and apparently Gia has been making random accusations since she was fourteen. It's another bump in a long road, and Amanda can see that it's starting to get to Olivia too. There's so much going on in every part of the case, that no one can really make out the heart of it.

Amanda also gets to watch as Nick has a chair thrown at him.

They find out Gia had been fighting with another patient in the ward, a big guy, and suddenly things are looking up. As the interview goes on, though, and despite his angry outburst at Amaro, both he and Amanda know that Jay Delaney didn't attack his fellow patient. He does tell them that he was protecting Gia from a guard, and suddenly the investigation is blown wide open again.

It's a busy day, and Olivia can't help but stare at Amanda in amazement as interrogation after interrogation takes place, lawyers are called, and apparently nothing is as it seem. As Nick pleads with them to listen, that maybe the guard is telling the truth and Gia _had_ been trying to get her hands on a gun, Olivia and Amanda share a knowing look.

They need to talk to Gia, and soon. Every single new turn is another obstacle they have to topple in order to get the poor girl justice.

"He's lying," Gia is adamantly shaking her head, "Nothing happened."

"We took his pants to the lab, Gia. We're running DNA on them now," Amanda tries gently, not wanting to push her too hard, but acutely aware of the fact that they desperately need the truth.

Olivia steps closer to Gia, "I know you're afraid, and angry, but a gun isn't the answer."

"Says the woman who carries one on her hip."

Amanda watches as Olivia deflates, the brunette is trying so hard to help and it's like their victim is a stone wall.

"Yeah, and bad things have still happened to me," Olivia says softly, ducking her head to look at Gia, "I've been stabbed."

The older detective takes a breath, she can feel Amanda's eyes on her, but instead of making her feel self-conscious, Amanda's presence actually emboldens the brunette.

"I've been assaulted," she admits, her voice holding a barely noticeable shake, "My gun – it didn't save me."

Amanda wants to reach over and hug Olivia, but mostly she's so proud and so in awe of the woman who constantly forces herself to be stronger and does so for the most noble reasons. It works, too, and they both can see the shift in Gia's demeanor. She's still skeptical, but ultimately she does tell them who's been hurting her. Amanda's stomach drops, and she can see the disgust written on Olivia's face when Gia tells them her story.

Her uncle had been abusing her since she had turned fourteen.

Amanda excuses herself from the room to go get the visitor logs and let Olivia finish up with Gia. It's obvious she and Olivia have bonded and now that Gia had given them a name, they can start piecing together what had happened that night.

Amanda's leaning against the wall, waiting for Olivia and mulling over the day. She wants to tell Olivia more about herself, wants to open up to the brunette but it's hard. The blonde knows Olivia would only be compassionate and kind, but Amanda doesn't want the other detective to see her as a victim too. Amanda had worked so hard to leave that behind in Atlanta, and she didn't want anything to jeopardize her strengthening connection with Olivia, no matter how silly it may seem to think that anything she divulged to the brunette would be detrimental to their relationship.

She's pulled out of her thoughts by the other detective, the brunette having finished with Gia and now likely ready to smash the uncle's face in.

"This is going to be a struggle," Olivia breathes quietly, leaning up against the wall next to Amanda.

The blonde can see the slight hunch in Olivia's shoulders and she knows that the case is taking a toll on the other detective.

"It took a lot of strength to do what you did in there," Amanda dips her head, "Telling Gia about your assault."

Olivia gives a small smile, but says nothing. Amanda knows Olivia probably feels pretty vulnerable right now, and she can't blame her.

 _Fuck it_.

"You know, something happened to me on the job," Amanda mumbles out nervously, "Back in Atlanta. It was part of the reason why I had to leave."

She watches anxiously as Olivia's eyes widen, her features softening as that boundless concern takes over.

"Was it somebody you worked with?" Olivia asks gently, and Amanda can see the way the brunette is trying to hold back the numerous questions probably swimming in her head.

Amanda shrugs, her bravery having dried up for the day. Olivia knows now, and she hopes it helped the other detective feel better. Neither of them are alone, and they should both be able to take comfort in that.

"It was somethin' not worth pursuing," Amanda turns toward the exit, pleasantly surprised at how quickly Olivia is by her side.

She can tell that the brunette wants to know more, wants to hear her story. The look in Olivia's eyes really does cause warmth and comfort to spread through the blonde's veins, but much like Amanda, the older detective refuses to push and Amanda is grateful for it.

Olivia asks nothing more, but Amanda can hear the brunette's soft voice as they leave, "That's how they win."

The blonde nods, and she gets the feeling that Olivia would probably take on her case by herself if she could, rules be damned.

"Yeah, well," Amanda sighs, "We won't let that happen to Gia."

…

And they don't.

Gia's uncle had kept pictures of her dating back to her fourteenth birthday, and he was going to go to prison for the rest of his life.

It's a relief that everyone in the precinct could feel, all of them knowing how easy it would have been for someone to continue taking advantage of a person in Gia's position. She would get justice though, and even if it didn't make up for all the years she had suffered with her uncle, it was a step in the right direction for her recovery.

Amanda is still at her desk, partly focusing on her final report for the judge on Darren Bickford's case, partly going over every word she had said to Olivia. The blonde wanted to be closer to the woman, very much so, but while she enjoyed learning more about Olivia, Amanda _hated_ talking about herself. Her own trauma had been debilitating and it had forced her out of the only home she had ever known. It was something she couldn't bring up lightly, no matter how much she trusted her.

"Hey."

The brunette occupying her thoughts now appeared before her, and Amanda turns towards the source of that sweet voice.

Amanda smiles softly, watching as Olivia pulls her own chair over to the blonde's desk and sits down.

"I wanted to thank you," the older detective rests an arm on Amanda's desk and leans in, "You saved Gia's case today, it was really good work."

Amanda knows her cheeks are slightly pink, and she curses it.

"Thank you, that means a lot coming from you."

Olivia shakes her head, expressive dark eyes burning into Amanda's own, "It shouldn't. I'm no different than you."

Amanda laughs and looks away, unable to hold the intense eyes contact with Olivia. It's one thing to be complimented by the person you look up to, but Amanda can't make herself believe the words coming out of Olivia's mouth.

"I mean it," she implores gently, resting her hand on Amanda's forearm, "I'm glad you're here, and you're a damn good detective."

Olivia takes a deep breath, allowing herself the luxury of staring unabashedly at the blonde for a few seconds, eyes tracking over the blonde's beautiful features. She wants Amanda to be able to talk to her, to trust her. She wants to be there the same way the blonde had for her, but Olivia doesn't know the first thing about being this close to someone. Elliot and she were close, yes, but it was different. It wasn't as intense and it certainly wasn't on this type of deep, raw, emotional level.

"I hope you'll tell me in time, when you're ready of course," Olivia finally breaks the silence, lightly squeezing Amanda's arm in an effort to get the blonde to look at her, "I _am_ here for you Amanda, and I'll always listen if you ever want to talk."

The younger detective has to look away for a moment, the intensity of Olivia's gaze and the emotion behind her words causing Amanda's eyes to get a little watery. She gets it under control quickly, something she'd learned how to do at a young age, and looks back to the brunette who was now stroking her arm softly. Amanda had never dreamed of telling anyone about her past, about the things she kept buried deep inside her brain, having decided a long time ago that getting close to people only got her hurt.

As she looks at Olivia, though, Oliva who was still stroking her arm, eyes averted elsewhere in an effort to give the blonde whatever privacy she needed, she knows that she will never be able to be anything _but_ close to the brunette.

Amanda chews on the realization for a moment, desperately hoping it doesn't get her burned.


	9. 13x09 - Lost Traveler

aha um hi i did a bad thing. my thoughts on this chapter: thanks! i hate it!

anyway. we're getting close to the romance and I'm sorry for making you guys wait so long, but all good things come to those who do wait soooooo. I'm talking next couple chapters, like you'll get it this weekend bc i have my last final tonight woop.

thank you so much to all you guys who are leaving comments and supporting this lil story, it makes my day and I'm happy to see that you're all hanging on lmao. i'm also glad that everyone apparently seems to like how much our bb's worked together in 'educated guess' because when i watched it i was like ! and it was funny how it fit in to what i was doing so i mean i'll take it.

lala i'd be lying if i said i knew what the holy grail episode was but i hope for ur sake i don't f it up :) also, you and jeu need to start feeling better okay, it's no good for you kind souls to be feeling unwell.

i hope you guys enjoy and um yes.

* * *

 **13x09 – Lost Traveler**

" _You're in trouble. Your partner is pretty_ _ **and**_ _smart."_

Amanda couldn't get the slime-ball detective's words out of her head. They had been working with Brooklyn PD to find a missing Romani boy named Nico, and Amanda was just about to the limit with Detective "call me Doom" Dumas. He was arrogant and stubborn, not to mention pretty racist. It was hard enough to get the Romani community to work with the police, and it wasn't made any easier with Dumas constantly talking about "these people" or referring to them with a slur.

Apparently he was a bit of a misogynist too, and a complete idiot.

The blonde detective had heard him continue to talk about her to his fellow officers as she and Amaro had returned to the car, and Amanda was eagerly awaiting the time when they no longer had to work with the Brooklyn unit any longer. By the time they get back to the station, Amanda is pretty much over it. She's had her fair share of unwanted attention in the workplace, and today was just a blip in her relatively good week.

She should've known it wouldn't be that easy.

"How'd your guys' chat with Alonso go?"

Amanda's head turns to Fin, and she can't tell if he's aware of what he's doing or not. There's a bit of a smirk tugging on the man's lips and the blonde's eyes narrow.

"He couldn't give us much, but it was fine," Amanda dismisses the question, dropping into her seat.

She looks over to find Olivia staring at her, one perfect eyebrow raised in question at the peculiar behavior going on. Amanda just rolls her eyes, looking instead to the list on her desk of people left to interview.

"Just fine, huh?"

Amanda sighs deeply, setting down her pen, "Yeah, Fin. It was just fine."

She hears a quiet snicker from Nick, and when she looks up quickly in an effort to catch him in the act, the man clears his throat and looks at his computer as if nothing happened.

 _That son of a bitch._

Honestly, she shouldn't really be surprised. The blonde seemed to have lucked out when it came to being in the midst of the boys' antics, Nick having got the most of it from Munch and Fin even though he was only one day newer. She got her fair share of teasing from Olivia, though, not that she minded those moments in the slightest. Speaking of which, the brunette is still looking at her, confusion written plainly across her features.

It's apparent that the blonde detective's not out of the woods yet, and Fin's voice fills the precinct yet again, "So, when's your hot date?"

"Oh my god, Fin," Amanda groans, throwing her pen across the room at him.

Nick's laughing now, really laughing, and Amanda feels her cheeks reddening.

"I'm literally going to kill you, Nick," Amanda scowls at the man.

She expects some clever retort, but he's now hiding behind his computer monitor in an effort to dodge any writing utensils that may come his way as well.

"He's your partner!" Nick cries, "How could I not tell him about your chemistry with Dr. Doom?"

Amanda huffs and shakes her head, vowing internally to get both of them back. She looks again to Olivia, who has an unreadable expression. The brunette is clearly not amused by the whole thing, but Amanda gets the feeling that it's not the two detectives across from them that has Olivia looking so annoyed.

"I'm fine, Olivia," Amanda assures the woman, "It was just a guy bein' dumb."

The blonde's words seem to help a little bit, but Olivia's dark eyes still swirl with annoyance, and, Amanda isn't positive but, jealousy?

"I see. I just wasn't aware that they were hiring teenage boys at the Brooklyn precinct."

Her voice is cold, and Amanda can definitely tell she's bothered by the whole thing. In a way, she's flattered that Olivia Benson is getting all riled up over some guy hitting on her. During another time, Amanda might have wanted to tease the brunette about this, but instead she just wants to comfort the older detective.

After all, it's not like she'd ever consider entertaining Dumas' advances.

 _Yeah, because you're all heart-eyed over_ _ **her**_ _._ Amanda promptly shoves those thoughts back into their boxes and wheels herself over to Olivia's desk.

Luckily, Fin and Amaro pay no attention as they're still laughing, their conversation morphing into something about the Brooklyn precinct rather than Amanda's newfound Romeo.

"Hey," Amanda taps softly on Olivia's desk, "It really was just some guy bein' stupid. They're makin' a bigger deal out of it than it was."

Olivia looks over, softening her features as she takes in the concerned blonde before her. It wasn't a big deal, she knows that, but the idea of another detective flirting with Amanda makes her stomach roll. They see unwanted behavior and acts every day in their line of work, but it's even worse coming from another SVU detective. Admittedly, Olivia was also still feeling protective over the other woman after Amanda had been brave enough to share a little bit of her own past.

Maybe, just _maybe_ , Olivia also wanted the person Amanda flirted with to be herself.

"I know," Olivia concedes, mustering up a small smile, "It's just that we see enough of that garbage from the people we arrest, you would think that a Special Victims detective would be able to keep it professional."

"You would think," Amanda hums, tapping her fingers rhythmically on the desk.

The blonde's debating whether or not to go ahead and say the words swirling around in her mind, and if her gut is right, it'll probably be a pretty large step into dangerous territory. Worst case scenario, Amanda guesses, is that it's a little awkward for a day, _maybe._

So, she takes the plunge.

"If it makes you feel any better," the blonde says slowly, "He's not really my type."

It's funny how much effort Olivia puts into looking disinterested by the words.

Her voice is flat but Amanda can see the wide array of emotions in the brunette's eyes before she looks down at her paperwork, "Oh, really? And why would that be?"

"Well, for starters he's a man."

Amanda barely contains the laugh that threatens to bubble out as Olivia's eyes widen, shooting over to meet her own. There's a hint of relief on her features, though, and Amanda knows that she was right about her co-worker. Maybe all of this isn't one-sided.

"I-," Olivia tries to start forming some sort of response, but Cragen commands the room's attention instead.

"Apparently Marc Rajic has been taken to New Jersey," he sighs, "Amaro, Rollins, go check it out."

Amanda can't help but feel disappointed, wanting desperately to continue talking to Olivia. She turns to the brunette next to her and is startled by the intensity of dark eyes.

"Actually captain," Olivia interjects, "I can go instead. I think Amaro's still finishing up with Brooklyn PD."

Amaro was doing no such thing, but that wasn't the point.

…

"So, you're uh- you, you date women?"

Amanda smirks out the window when she hears Olivia's failed attempt at bringing up their earlier talk somewhat casually.

"Don't really do labels," the blonde shrugs, "But there's a definite preference."

Olivia nods, "I see."

Amanda chances a look over at the brunette and notices her hands are gripping the steering wheel a little bit tighter.

"What about you?"

"What about me?" Olivia repeats back in a lame attempt to stall.

The brunette's mind is racing. They were entering a pretty volatile arena with a slew of things that could go wrong. But, there was obviously _something_ that had been growing over the last few months between them, and she'd be a fool to deny the fact that Amanda has sparked emotions in her that hadn't been felt in a while. To make matters worse, Olivia _knows_ that Amanda is attractive, and by all standards, she also knows that she _is_ attracted to the blonde. Not just Amanda's looks, either.

Although, Olivia has been more and more unable to get past that.

In addition to Amanda's striking blue eyes, flawless skin, athletic yet feminine build, and beautiful blonde hair that Olivia can't help but want to run her hands through, she also has an amazing personality. Amanda had made her laugh more times than she can count, cared for her, helped her, and gotten Olivia to open up in ways that she didn't think were possible.

Somehow, Amanda had carefully undone Olivia's carefully built walls brick by brick.

"Olivia?"

An anxious call of her name draws Olivia back into reality and she sighs.

"I don't know. I mean, I've always seen men when I even had the time to date, but nothing ever stuck," she says softly.

Amanda nods, and for once, decides to push, "But would you ever be with a woman?"

"Um, I-," Olivia stops halfway, before making direct eye contact with the blonde, "I wouldn't be opposed if there was a connection there. Isn't that what matters?"

Now it's Amanda's turn to falter, and she is luckily able to compose herself before she bumbles through her words.

"Yeah, yeah," she curses how choked her voice probably sounds, "I like to think it is."

Olivia looks immensely awkward, but Amanda supposes it's probably the first time she's had this conversation with anyone, and she suspects it's probably the first time she's been forced to really think over the things they were talking about. Amanda's not going to lie to herself, she's more than happy with Olivia's answer, but that doesn't guarantee anything. It's all a bit overwhelming, and Amanda also feels the need to shift the conversation.

"How long until-"

The younger detective is silenced by Olivia reaching across the aisle and grabbing her hand.

She knows the brunette isn't much for being touchy feely, let alone freely expanding her personal space to involve other people, but it's becoming a common occurrence that makes Amanda's heart skip beats every time.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you," Olivia looks back and forth between the road and Amanda, "But thank you, for telling me. Not just about this, but about Atlanta, and everything you've shared. It's really important to me."

Amanda squeezes the tan fingers grasping her own and smiles.

"You too, Olivia."

Dark, mocha eyes swirl with emotion for a second before Olivia removes her hand, looking back to the road.

Amanda's wants to ask about the time left again, desperate to get away from the heavy conversation that, although appreciated, is anything but a good backdrop for the clear minds they need for the case. Her question is answered for her, however, as Olivia turns them onto a barely traveled road and the flashing lights of NJPD bathe them in blue and red.

"We're here," Olivia sighs, putting the car in park.

"Yeah," Amanda can't help but smirk at the woman, "Thanks, Sherlock."

The blonde feels Olivia try to push at her as she gets out of the car, an inexplicable feeling of relief and hope washing over her as their conversations are replayed in her head.

Once again, as it seems to be a more regular thought the more she's around Olivia, Amanda isn't quite sure what to make of their situation.

…

It's not surprise that no one at the camp wants to talk to them.

In fact, it's so unsurprising that Amanda wonders what the hell they're doing there anyway. The least they could've done is come in the daytime, at that point they would've at least been able to see more than ten feet in each heavily wooded direction. Someone had murdered a ten-year-old boy, though, and Amanda knows that whatever monster did so needs to be apprehended. The blonde watches as Olivia tries to talk to a Romani woman, and she can tell simply by the brunette's body language that she's still not making any progress.

Sudden movement to her right catches Amanda's eye, and she sees an elderly woman shoving something into a man's hand before pushing him off in the direction of the woods.

"Hey!" she yells, beginning to move in their direction, "NYPD! Stop!"

The woman pushes Marc more urgently and Amanda internally groans before beginning to sprint after their suspect.

Olivia hears Amanda yell, but when she turns around to see what was happening, the blonde is nowhere in sight.

"Hey, where'd the other detective go?" the brunette approaches of the NJPD officers, urgency in her voice.

"I didn't- I mean I-"

Olivia scoffs, turning on her heel, "You don't know."

 _Unbelievable_.

They had been through this before with the Brian Smith ordeal, and that was terrifying even with at least twenty other officers there as back up. Now, Amanda had run off into the dark woods by herself, chasing a suspect that was much larger than her and who knows how violent. Olivia catches a woman at the edge of the camp looking nervously towards the direction Amanda had been searching, and Olivia takes the chance. Her legs are carrying her as fast as they can, and Olivia feels adrenaline in her veins when she hears the sound of a struggle.

 _Fuck_.

The brunette stumbles upon Amanda and Marc, and she's able to breath once she sees Amanda finally get behind the man, kicking a fallen knife from his hand and cuffing him. The sound of the New Jersey police arriving fills her ears, and Olivia watches in a sort of trance as Amanda hands off Rajic to one of the uniformed officers with a polite nod.

Olivia feels anger bubble in her chest as Amanda walks over to her, her demeanor the same as if nothing had happened.

"Nothing like running through the woods in heels," Amanda chuckles, sticking her hands in her pockets.

"Are you out of your mind?!"

"Woah," the blonde is surprised by Olivia's harsh tone, "Calm down. What's wrong?"

The older detective takes a step closer, furrowing her eyebrows as she looks at Amanda, "What's wrong? You ran off after an armed and dangerous suspect by yourself. At night. Alone."

"Olivia-"

The brunette shakes her head, "No. Do you not remember what happened in Central Park? Do you know how easy it would've been for you to be seriously injured then and again now?"

"I'm fine," Amanda grits out, quickly becoming more defensive with each word out of Olivia's mouth, "I was fine in the park, and I'm fine now. Rajic's not a vicious killer, he just told me he wants to go home and he doesn't sound like he's any older than a teenager."

"You didn't _know_ that when you ran off after him, Amanda. What if he had stabbed you and ran off? We would've lost our suspect _and_ you could be severely injured or worse," Olivia cries.

Amanda works her jaw, "If you were so concerned, maybe you should have my _back_ next time."

"No," the brunette shakes her head vehemently, eyes flaring, "This isn't on _me_. It's about your _recklessness._ "

"Is it?"

Olivia smirks sardonically and nods her head, "Yeah. It is."

The younger detective shakes her head in an unbelieving manner and scoffs, looking down to the ground for a moment.

"Maybe it's more about _your_ inability to let me do my job and stop coddling," Amanda closes the distance between them, now so close that if she were to breathe any deeper, their chests would be touching, "It's one thing to have Amaro treat me like I'm a fragile doll, but I didn't expect it from you too."

Olivia doesn't know what to say, and as she feels her anger wearing off, the incredibly hurt look in Amanda's eyes makes her start to regret everything that she'd said. Amanda stares at her a moment longer, their breaths mingling in the cool air, an electric intensity briefly taking over before Amanda is turning away.

She looks back over her shoulder at Olivia, "For the record, I can handle myself. I don't need _you_ to do it for me."

Olivia feels her heart break a little as she watches the blonde turn around promptly, trudging back to their car. All the progress that had been made felt like it had just been flushed down the toilet, and Olivia couldn't help but tear herself apart inside, Amanda's last words searing themselves into her brain.

" _I don't need_ _ **you**_ _."_


	10. 13x10 - Spiraling Down

_ho-ly shit, this was a big one. it's a little centric on olivia bc i think it's important to get how she's feeling in order for the rest to make sense, plus if you haven't seen this in awhile it'll help jog your memory regarding the circumstances they're in right now, at least i hope. thank you all so much for the well wishes for finals, i really appreciate it!_

 _since you guys demanded so kindly i fix what i did, the least i could do was consider it ;)_

 _thank you again for reading and supporting this lil story, i hope you enjoy!_

* * *

 **13x10 – Spiraling Down**

Amanda would be lying if she said that it hadn't been awkward between her and Olivia for the past couple of days. It really sucked, and the blonde is tempted to just drop everything and go hug the brunette detective. Olivia had been moping for at least two days now, obviously feeling guilty about their argument, but she hadn't said anything. No matter how much Amanda wanted to just move on and get over the whole thing, it had really hurt her feelings and she hated to be talked to like a child.

She deserved to be here and Olivia never would've chewed Amaro or Fin out like that.

Even though Amanda knows that most of Olivia's anger that night was likely at the fact that she had no ability to help if something _had_ happened, the blonde still can't shake the annoyance and shame that settles in her stomach when she thinks about it.

She's also learning just how hard it is to stay mad at Olivia Benson. It's damn near impossible.

The brunette detective keeps catching her eyes, features apologetic and riddled with guilt, and Amanda has lost track of the number of shy smiles she's gotten before Olivia was forced away by Cragen or one of their colleagues. Deep down, Amanda knows that she was also a bit harsh on Olivia that night as well, and it's starting to really nag at her. She needed the other detective in her life like air pretty much, and Amanda truly didn't want to push Olivia away, not even an inch.

It was all a mess.

"So how was it?"

Amanda's attention is drawn to Nick's unknowingly loud voice as he and Olivia get their coffee. It had been a slow morning, and Amanda was surprised that she hadn't even noticed that Olivia had come in.

"Well, he didn't share food, he split the check," Olivia sighed as she stirred her coffee, "And we missed the entire opening number."

The blonde detective felt her stomach drop. Olivia had been on a date.

"Ouch," Nick laughs, leaning against the table.

Amanda wishes she could laugh but instead she wants to sink into the floor.

"Right?"

"So, let me guess," Nick's voice is playful now, and Amanda's at least thankful it wasn't too serious of a conversation, "Receding hair, academic, annnnd checkered shirt?"

Olivia's laugh is beautiful, and Amanda almost forgets why she's upset.

"How about 'D,' all of the above," the brunette shakes her head with a smile, "You're good."

Nick grins, "Hey, it's what I do."

Olivia looks around the precinct then, as if suddenly aware of the fact that there might be other people listening, and her eyes lock with Amanda's.

The blonde looks away quickly, not wanting to be caught eavesdropping, but she knows Olivia saw her. That is just _great_ , Amanda thinks, but there was surprisingly no anger or irritation on the older detective's face. Amanda couldn't quite believe it, but the brunette had actually looked a little embarrassed. The younger detective is almost ready to pull her hair out with all of the confusing and undecipherable shit going on.

On top of that, they still have a pile of work to do.

Amanda watches as Olivia and Nick are confronted by a distraught looking brunette man, and from the looks of it, they just got a new case. He shakes hands with the two detectives before turning to leave, and Amanda is on the receiving end of another one of Olivia's half smiles as the older detective makes her way to Cragen's office.

Taking the opportunity, Amanda tries to appear casual as she walks to Nick's desk. Maybe it's a little high school of her, but the blonde can't resist.

"So, are you some kind of dating guru now?" Amanda asks the man playfully.

"What? Oh, the thing with Liv," Amaro shakes his head with a laugh, "Nah, I just know guys. Plus, they'd have to actually be dating for me to be a guru, Rollins."

He says it as if she should know, and Amanda forces a laugh as not to put the other detective off.

"Wait they aren't? I thought Benson was finally making it into the dating scene?"

It genuinely pains Amanda to say the words, to talk about Olivia as if she's just a co-worker who they gossip about for a few entertaining moments.

"No," Amaro shakes his head, "It was just an old friend from her earlier years in the force. Even though I think he wanted it to be more than the friendly dinner that Liv had signed up for, he did a piss poor job at showing it."

Amanda scoffs, "Yeah, I'd say."

"Well, not that this wasn't a wonderful throwback to the teenage chatter years," Nick puts on his jacket and taps the desk, "I gotta go talk to Maria's friend again."

The blonde nods, still too focused on the information she had learned, "New case?"

"Yeah, looks like it. Catch ya later, Rollins."

Amanda says a quick goodbye to the man before returning to her desk. She's relieved that Olivia hadn't been on a date, or at least, hadn't planned to be. The blonde knows that it shouldn't make her happy to have found that out, but she was also having trouble pushing down the jealousy that had been simmering just below the surface.

"You could've asked me, you know?"

Amanda almost falls out of her chair at Olivia's abrupt intrusion into her thoughts.

"What?" the blonde shakes her head and looks back to her desk, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Olivia tilts her head, the corners of her lips turning up at the blonde's behavior. She knew that Amanda had been listening, and if her own feelings about the Brooklyn detective were any indication, it was likely that Amanda wasn't too thrilled at having heard about Olivia's night.

"Really?"

Amanda sighs, rubbing her face before turning to face the brunette, "Yeah, really. Look, I have a lot to do, Olivia."

"And I don't?" the brunette stares at Amanda for a second longer, debating what to do.

They needed to deal with whatever had resulted from that night in New Jersey because it was a threat to their professional abilities, and, frankly, Olivia was having a really shitty time being pushed to the outskirts of Amanda's radar. She missed the blonde badly.

"I never said that. Can we just drop it?"

Olivia shakes her head and grabs Amanda's arm, "No. We can't. Come on."

The blonde puts no effort into resisting, allowing Olivia's warm hand to keep a firm grasp on her elbow as she walks the two of them out of the squad room and towards the cribs. The older detective opens the door, pulling Amanda in before shutting and locking it.

"What, Olivia?"

Amanda lets out a breath as she stands under the brunette's gaze, slightly uncomfortable with the attention.

"I'm sorry, Amanda."

The blonde's eyes dart up to meet Olivia's, the brunette woman seemingly pleading with Amanda to believe her. Amanda watches as Olivia rings her hands nervously, a behavior that she finds oddly endearing form the other woman.

"I overreacted when we were in New Jersey," Olivia says softly, "I shouldn't have scolded you like you were little more than a child, and I know that it was partially my fault for not keeping up. I just-"

Olivia looks at the wall for a moment and then back to Amanda, "I couldn't handle it if something happened. I already lost Elliot and now, with you, I _can't_ do it again. It's terrifying to think about, and I was so afraid when I looked back and couldn't find you."

Amanda's demeanor softens and she steps closer to the other woman, gently placing a hand on her upper arm, all traces of anger vacating her body.

"It's okay, Olivia. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, and I know that I shouldn't have run off like that. We can both do better, alright?"

Olivia really smiles then, and Amanda can't help but follow suit.

"So, we're good?" the brunette asks, remnants of anxiety not quite out of her voice yet.

"Yeah," Amanda nods, lowering her hand and allowing it to run the length of Olivia's arm, "We're good."

The older detective lets out a sigh of relief, "Thank god, it's been miserable without you to keep me sane. I love them, but Fin and Munch have been driving me up the wall."

Amanda laughs at this, taking the moment to let her eyes wander over Olivia's face. It was amazing how youthful she looked when she wasn't stressed, and Amanda feels guilt rise when she realizes the toll that their disagreement had taken on the brunette.

"Well," Olivia says softly, "I guess we better get back."

The blonde detective nods, but doesn't want to give up her contact with Olivia. The woman had allowed Amanda's touch, and the blonde had taken the opportunity to twine their fingers together – a habit that was becoming more frequent.

"One more thing, though," Amanda says abruptly, locking eyes with the woman across from her, "I didn't mean it."

Olivia's brow furrows and confusion washes over her features, "Mean what?"

"I _do_ need you, Liv," the nickname slips out of its own volition and Amanda wants to melt.

The brunette doesn't acknowledge it outwardly, but Amanda can see that it has some kind of effect on the woman, and she's pleased. The name _did_ make Olivia's heart pick up when it fell past Amanda's lips and warmth had flooded her veins. It was something she was called frequently, but it felt different when it was Amanda who was saying it.

"I'm glad to hear that," the brunette lowers her voice, "Because I need you too, Amanda."

Olivia watches as the blonde's eyes darken momentarily before Amanda clears her throat, a small smile gracing her features.

 _You are playing a dangerous game, Olivia._

…

Olivia should've known that getting Bayard Ellis to represent Jake Stanton wouldn't bode well with Alex.

Eilis absolutely obliterates the case against Stanton with his examination of Jake himself, and Olivia just _knows_ that the jury won't convict him. It's tearing her up inside, the question of whether or not she did the right thing. Stanton _did_ have sex with an underage girl, but he barely knows who he is. The man was broke, couldn't afford a decent attorney, and was probably going to ruin any chance at future income when he came out about his condition on the stand.

 _You work for the_ _ **victims**_ _._ Olivia chides herself, unable to think on it any longer.

It was her fault she was even in this position anyway, wanting to go after all of the Johns, not just the man who had been exploiting their victim. It was _her_ idea to do the sting, _her_ mission to convince Alex to let them do it.

Had she just robbed Vicki of justice?

Olivia hears the court being dismissed and watches as Alex leaves immediately, no doubt fuming. The brunette gets up just as quickly, walking briskly after her friend. She catches up to her in the hallway, and by the look on the blonde prosecutor's face, Olivia can tell Alex isn't too pleased at the fact.

"Well, that was ugly," Alex doesn't even turn to look at her and Olivia swallows thickly.

"Ellis was just doing his job," she tries, her voice pleading, "Stanton isn't competent and I tried to warn you!"

Alex scoffs, "Warn me? You walked me right into it!"

The blonde only stops to push the elevator button, and Olivia frowns at the obvious frustration her friend is feeling.

"Olivia, _you_ wanted a sting operation, _you_ wanted me to prosecute all of the Johns for what they did. This was _all_ you."

"The guilty ones," Olivia is borderline whining now, and she hates herself for it, "Stanton- he wasn't –"

Alex rolls her eyes and turns fiercely to the brunette, eyes blazing, " _You_ don't get to cherry pick. What did you expect me to do? Charge all of them and not Stanton? Do you know what kind of message that sends? The DA prosecutes some rapists but gives sports celebrities a free pass?"

"Alex–"

The ADA waves her hand, "You want justice for your victim and compassion for Stanton, but you can't have it both ways, Olivia. The world doesn't work like that, and my boss' office _certainly_ doesn't."

Olivia releases a defeated breath, watching as Alex ignores her and takes a few angry strides into the elevator.

"And Olivia," the blonde turns, "I don't even want to _know_ how Ellis ended up in your precinct."

…

It comes as no surprise to Olivia when the jury finds Stanton not guilty of any of the charges against him.

Alex turns and looks briefly at Olivia over her shoulder, irritation and 'I told you so' written plainly on her face. The brunette detective looks down at her lap, knotting her fingers together. She watches as Vicki's parents hug their daughter, appearing to be in disbelief at the ruling. Her eyes then wander over to where Stanton is hugging his wife, a look of confusion on his face. Ellis turns then, locking gazes with Olivia and he gives her a subtle nod.

She tries to smile, but it doesn't come out as much more than a grimace.

Nick's waiting for her outside the courtroom, having had to take a call and unable to come back in until the ruling had been cast. He says nothing, but gives her a sympathetic look, and Olivia is plunged back into her own feelings of self-loathing. They walk together out of the courthouse, unsurprised that a media circus has gathered on the steps of the building.

Ellis stands by while Stanton and his wife make a statement, and Olivia wants to be swallowed whole as she watches.

A uniformed police officer fights his way to the front of the cameras, no doubt asking for a picture from his idol, and Olivia shakes her head to herself. She gets the feeling that even if Stanton wasn't decaying mentally, his behavior would still be excused by hundreds of thousands of fans across the country. Oliva watches as the man poses with the police officer, and nausea grows in her stomach.

Her eyes widen as Stanton shoves the officer down, pulling the man's gun out of his holster and leveling it with his temple.

Olivia and Nick both draw their weapons, rushing down the stairs as Jake turns to face them. His wife is sobbing, pulled back by Ellis while Olivia pleads with the former football star.

"Jake!" the brunette cries, "Jake! Put the gun down."

He just stares at them, a far off look in his eyes.

"Jake. Put the gun down – now. Look at me, Jake."

Olivia struggles to take in a breath as a couple tears escape the man's eyes and he looks at his wife.

"Come on, Jake," Olivia pleads softly, ducking her head to try and catch his distant gaze.

It's silent and still as Stanton slowly lowers the gun, everyone taking a collective breath of air.

Olivia lowers her own weapon hesitantly, a sigh of relief escaping her lungs. Stanton turns so quickly that no one had the chance or could've even tried to stop him. A shot rings out, and Olivia lets out a gasp as the man shoots himself in the chest. She and Nick holster their guns, moving down the steps as Jake's wife cries out and runs to her husband's body.

While Nick calls for an ambulance, Olivia kneels down next to the woman, carefully checking Stanton's wrist for a pulse even though she knows there won't be one. The brunette gently rubs Georgia's back, pausing momentarily to shed her coat and lay it over Jake's body.

She stands up slowly, eyes locking with Ellis.

 _What the hell have I done?_

…

By the time Amanda hears about what had happened outside the courthouse, it's already almost time to clock out. She hadn't seen Olivia since before the proceedings started up that day, and the blonde was terribly worried about the older detective. Amanda knew it was Olivia who got Ellis to represent Stanton, and she also knew that Olivia was feeling conflicted about the whole case. The brunette had been troubled throughout the investigation, and Amanda could pretty much read the woman like a book by now.

To make it worse, Olivia hadn't even come back to the station.

Amanda wanted desperately to check in on the woman, but she wasn't about to drop in on Olivia and disturb her privacy. Even though the brunette had consistently told her that the last time Amanda had come over unannounced was fine, Amanda still felt a little bit guilty for doing so, and she _really_ doesn't want to add any extra to Olivia's already heavy day.

Her phone lights up then, and Amanda can't help but smile.

 **Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, but do  
you think you could come over when  
you get off?**

The blonde is texting back instantly, maybe a little too eager to be hearing from Olivia.

 _Yeah, of course, no problem. I'm_ _actually  
about to clock out now._

Amanda checks the time and groans. It's already almost 6:30.

 _Have you eaten yet? I'm starving and  
_ _I will probably die if I don't eat soon._

 **You always think with your stomach :)  
** **I don't really have much of an appetite  
** **right now, but you're more than welcome  
** **to my kitchen.**

 _Hey, my stomach is an important part  
_ _of me, I'll have you know. I'll be over  
_ _soon, give me like 15 minutes okay?_

 **No problem. Be safe.**

Amanda slaps her file closed before haphazardly sliding it into her drawer. She gets out of the precinct in record time, all of her thoughts rapidly being consumed by a certain brunette.

…

Olivia answers the door a little quicker than normal when she finally hears Amanda knock, but her need to see the blonde and be in the comfort of her presence had been growing ever since the courthouse. She had wanted to go back to the station afterwards but Cragen had called and sent her home for the day, which was probably best anyhow. The brunette knows that even in with Amanda nearby, she would've likely gone down a rabbit hole with her casework.

Everybody copes somehow.

She looks briefly down at her state of dress and inwardly groans, the paint spotted, ancient police academy shirt and sweatpants are not exactly what she would like Amanda to see her in at this point, but it's too late to change now. At least her hair wasn't working against her, the brunette waves hanging on to their shape despite the hectic day. Olivia swings open the door, her heart leaping into her throat when she takes in the blonde detective on the other side.

Amanda's standing there with a soft smile gracing her features, a giant bag of takeout in her hand. The blonde had also taken the time to stop at her apartment, swapping out dress pants and her blazer for a pair of skinny jeans and an oversized cream sweater. Blonde locks are swept up into a messy bun, and there's a glimmer in those bright blue eyes that makes Olivia blush a little bit.

"Are you gonna let me in?"

Olivia blinks a couple times, realizing she had been caught staring and moves out of the way quickly, stuttering through an apology.

"You don't have to apologize to me, it's my stomach that's upset," Amada jokes, setting the bag of food on Olivia's counter.

The brunette smirks, moving out of the kitchen and taking a seat on the other side of the counter, "Yes, well, I'm sorry then, Amanda's stomach."

The blonde detective sticks her tongue out, pulling a few containers out of the bag.

"Amanda, you didn't have to get me anything," Olivia says softly when she realizes Amanda had also gotten her dinner.

Amanda waves her off, "Don't worry, I had them split the check."

Olivia hears the smirk in her voice and narrows her eyes, reaching across the counter in an effort to grab the younger woman's wrist.

"Haha, very funny," Olivia deadpans.

"I mean, at least he's fiscally responsible," the blonde winks at Olivia, "Silverware?"

Olivia points to the drawer next to the oven, admiring her view when Amanda turns to open it.

"What's the problem, Rollins? Did you forget how to use chopsticks?"

Amanda can't help but smile at the woman's teasing tone, this more laid-back side of Olivia has quickly become her favorite thing.

" _No_ ," Amanda drawls, "But I get the feeling that if you try to eat those noodles with chopsticks, Detective Benson, you'll probably end up wearing them again."

Olivia knows she's right, as that had already happened in front of Amanda and the other detectives a few weeks ago.

The brunette huffs, "Maybe so."

Amanda slides a fork across the counter for Olivia before popping open her own box of beef and broccoli, as well as the smaller container of white rice she had been given.

They eat in silence for a few minutes, and Amanda can't help but smirk as Olivia works on her Lo Mein pretty quickly for someone who doesn't have an appetite. It confirms Amanda's suspicions that Olivia likely _was_ hungry, but was also probably content with just laying around the rest of the night after the day she'd had. The blonde has a sudden wave of emotions pour over her, one thought repeating in her mind.

 _I want to be able to take care of her_.

And Amanda does. She looks across the counter at Olivia who is focused intently on wrangling a noodle, slim fingers working carefully to twirl her next bite. The brunette who is normally so composed and guarded now looks just like any other person, except like a bajillion times more beautiful according to Amanda's calculations, and it's incredibly endearing. The comfortable silence goes on for a while and eventually Olivia closes her container, a content sigh leaving her lips.

"Thank you, Amanda. Really, I appreciate it."

The blonde shakes her head, closing up her own food before she begins to put the containers back in the bag.

"It's not a problem. You needed to eat, anyway, and popcorn doesn't count," Amanda jokes, gesturing to the empty bag on the counter.

Olivia shrugs, sliding off of her stool and coming around into the kitchen to take the bag from Amanda's hand.

"It kinda counts as a vegetable, right?" the brunette says cheekily, putting their leftovers in the fridge.

Amanda rinses her hands off in the sink before wiping them on her pants, "Yeah, no."

"Damn," Olivia whispers, leaning against the wall and watching Amanda's attempts at drying her hands, "There's a towel on the oven handle and napkins behind you, you know?"

"I like to keep it old school."

The brunette laughs then, shaking her head as she turns to go into the living room. Amanda follows this time, adamant that she's not going to be as awkward as she was the last time she stood in Olivia's apartment. They sit on the couch again, not bothering this time to sit on opposite ends. Olivia plops down in the middle, crossing one of her legs over the other elegantly, even if she is wearing sweatpants. Amanda tucks her left leg under her as she sits next to the woman, their thighs touching.

"So, what's up?" Amanda asks quietly, "Unless it all _was_ a ruse to get dinner out of me?"

Olivia giggles and shakes her head while bringing both of her hands to her lap and picking at her nails. Amanda frowns, reaching out and covering the woman's hands with her own.

"We just got you to stop biting 'em, don't start with this," Amanda nudges Olivia's shoulder softly.

Olivia tries and fails to muster up a smile, instead turning to face the blonde.

"Did I take the side of a rapist today, Amanda?"

The blonde's eyes soften and she knows that this is likely one of the many things that had bothered Olivia all week. The woman gets so emotionally invested in the cases that Amanda can't do anything but watch as Olivia weaves a web around herself every time.

"No, Olivia," the blonde answers softly, "You gave our victim the best shot, and you tried to give a helpless man his best shot. We work for the victims, but part of being a police officer is giving everyone a fair chance, even the ones accused of crimes. Even the ones we hate."

Olivia just stares at her lap, mulling over the other detective's words.

"I walked Alex into a trap and she's pissed at me," she mumbles, wringing her fingers anxiously.

Amanda shakes her head and takes a deep breath, "Alex is upset, yes, but her job is different than ours. Her goal is always to convict, and she's probably frustrated, but she'll come around. She knows it was a tough spot for you."

Olivia looks over then, her eyes swirling with sadness and contempt. Amanda's heart breaks when she understands that Olivia is directing that contempt at herself, most likely behaving none too kindly towards her own mind.

" _I_ got Ellis to represent Stanton, though. I talked to him about it, encouraged him."

"Liv, you were trying to help everyone at once and it was a really, really messy situation," Amanda moves her hand up to stroke Olivia's wrist, "You have a huge heart and that's amazing, but you can't save everyone all the time. That doesn't make it your fault."

The brunette shakes her head, trapping her bottom lip between white teeth, "He had sex with an underage victim and I helped him get off."

"The _jury_ made that verdict, Oliva. Twelve other people saw the same complexities as you and took it upon themselves to make a ruling. You gave both of them a fighting chance. You did the right thing, as a human, and as an officer of the law."

Amanda knows Olivia is harsh on herself and takes the most that she can onto her plate, but the blonde wishes that the other detective would cut herself some slack sometimes.

"You should've seen his face, Amanda. He knew that he has just been cleared of something he had done. You could see how much he hated it."

The blonde takes one look at Olivia's dark eyes and she knows where this is going.

"What Stanton chose to do outside that courthouse was _not_ your fault, Liv. Do you understand me?" Amanda says, her tone leaving no room for argument, "The jury made their choice, he made his, none of what happened today was on you."

"Wasn't it?" Olivia chokes out, her shoulders starting to tremble.

Amanda watches helplessly as the brunette next to her is riddled with tremors, tears forming in those beautiful eyes despite her attempts to blink them away.

"Oh, Liv," Amanda whispers, removing her hand from the woman's wrist and tentatively wrapping an arm around Olivia's shaking shoulders, "Come here."

Surprisingly enough, the brunette obliges, allowing Amanda to pull her slim frame closer and resting her head in the crook of Amanda's neck. The blonde feels the warmth of Olivia's tears on her collarbone, and she feels herself choking up too, distraught over Olivia's current state. She holds tight though, keeping a secure arm around the brunette and resting her cheek on soft, dark hair. Amanda feels the older detective's weight settle into her side, any restraint that Olivia had been exercising now gone as she gives herself over completely to the younger detective's protective hold.

"It'll be okay," Amanda whispers into brunette strands, running her fingers slowly over the soft skin of Olivia's arm, "I've got you."

 _And I always will_.


	11. 13x11 - Theatre Tricks (pt 1)

_ok listen. this is a compromise kinda. i wanted to do more with this, and i have more written for it, but i didn't want to miss my schedule so this is a bit of a loophole. it's shorter, but i'll post the second part tomorrow along with the next chapter so it's a win win for everyone. i hope. it was just a hectic day an di got behind so i yam sorry. (also i didn't proofread this lmao rip me, i'll fix it tomorrow)_

 _thank you alllll so much for your comments. truly. every single one of them makes my day a little brighter and i'm glad to hear you're enjoying the story. you're all awesome ok._

 _enough of this, my eyes are crusty and i need to get this posted so yeah. have another slice of my "let's deny reality" pie._

* * *

 **13x11 – Theatre Tricks (pt. 1)**

Amanda can't believe the words coming out of her colleagues' mouths.

They had just interviewed a girl who was obviously traumatized, having been raped during a live theater production, yet Nick was currently suggesting that she could be making it up.

" _I mean, she_ _ **is**_ _an actress."_

The blonde looks incredulously at Olivia as the words are spoken, but the other woman is calmly stirring her tea, dark eyes tracking from detective to detective as she listens in on the situation. Amanda half expected the brunette to already be a bit of a spitfire, but Olivia seems to be taking it pretty well. Had they gone into another parallel universe? What the hell?

"Point taken," Cragen says, "Go see if she's changed her story overnight."

Amanda stares daggers as Amaro stands, ducking his head as he dons his jacket. It's like he can sense the tension and disgust rolling off of the blonde, which isn't all too surprising considering that she makes no move to hide it. Once the guys clear out, Amanda looks back over to Olivia, surprised to find that the other detective is still fiddling with her tea and remaining silent.

"Liv," the blonde cries, "What was that all about? I mean, she's an actress, she's performing on stage, and her costume is provocative, so automatically she's lying?"

Hearing her nickname come out of Amanda's mouth causes Olivia to look up with a small smile, warmth settling deep in her heart at the progress they've made in their relationship. Surprisingly, she wasn't at all embarrassed about the other night when she had leaned heavily on the blonde detective. It was rare that she opened up to anybody about things like that – things that came with the job. Usually, if it wasn't life or death, Olivia used her own devices to process her experiences and moved on.

With Amanda, she didn't have to. She was allowed to _feel_.

The brunette agent stares for a moment, her thoughts drifting to how comforting Amanda's arms had been, how easy it had been for her to seek solace in the other woman's chest. It had felt _right_ and it was terrifying.

"Olivia?"

Amanda snaps her back into reality, and there's a curious inflection in the blonde agent's voice. Olivia gives her a small smile in an effort to ease any worries the younger agent might have before setting down her tea. Amanda had recommended she cut some of her coffee intake in an effort to help with the bouts of insomnia she'd been having. It was hard to do in their line of work with sixteen hour shifts not being uncommon, but the blonde had given Olivia a box of her own favorite tea and admittedly it had been helping.

Then again, maybe it was the now nearly nightly phone calls they made to one another in an effort to vent about their daily stresses, who can say. Olivia's pulled back into her own mind as she starts to think about Amanda again, and she feels herself getting lost in bright eyes, blonde waves, and the sweet smell of the other detective that had been burned into her mind since their moment on the couch.

Amanda frowns as Olivia literally disappears into herself again in a matter of seconds. The detective gets out of her chair, moving to stand directly in front of the other woman and lightly nudges Olivia's foot with her own.

"Hey," she searches suddenly alert brown eyes, "For real, are you alright?"

Olivia resists the urge to get sidetracked again by the amount of concern written on Amanda's face and instead clears her throat with a nod.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry about that, really."

Amanda isn't entirely convinced, but this is _different_. Olivia isn't upset, but the blonde can't quite put her finger on what exactly has the other woman so captivated. She watches as Olivia gingerly takes a sip of her tea, thankful that the brunette had been open to trying it as Amanda had been increasingly worried at the lack of sleep Olivia was getting.

"What were you saying?" Olivia asks, wrapping a tanned hand securely around the body of her mug.

"The boys," Amanda looks behind her and gestures, even though it had since cleared out, "It's like they assume she's lying."

Olivia shakes her head, "No, they don't think that."

"Well, something was going on," Amanda frowns, "I know you heard it, Liv. You didn't think it was off?"

The brunette looks a little uncomfortable at this, and Amanda wants desperately to know why but decides to let it rest for now.

"I mean, I like to look around here and think things have changed, but-"

"They _have_ changed," Olivia assures gently, resting her free hand softly on Amanda's elbow in an effort to soothe the blonde, "Compared to how it used to be, things have changed a lot."

Amanda shrugs, "It doesn't feel like it."

Olivia pushes off of her desk and stops next to Amanda, gently squeezing the woman's arm as she leans in.

"I guess we have our work cut out for us, then."

Amanda shivers when she feels the brunette's warm breath on her neck and looks over, finding herself centimeters away from Olivia's lips. There's a twinkle in the older detective's chocolate eyes, and Amanda can't help but wonder what Olivia is playing at. The blonde gulps, unable to do anything but watch as Olivia's mouth forms a small smirk before she's gone, purposeful strides carrying her to a different part of the precinct.

Quite suddenly, Amanda finds it a little bit warmer in the room and just a tad harder to breathe.

…

Amanda literally feels the need to shower after she steps out of the interrogation room.

The theater critic they had finally placed at the scene had basically just admitted to being complicit in the rape of a young woman, no matter how many excuses he tried to pull out. The _only_ good thing that came out of the interview was a further detail about the actual rapist, and for that, Amanda supposes she should be a little happier.

"Please tell me when can charge this guy," Amanda breathes, shutting the door behind her.

She watches as Fin shrugs, "He admitted to acting in a rape."

"He admitted to not knowing she was being raped," Olivia interjects, and Amanda's confused eyes lock with the brunette's, "It was dark, confusing."

The blonde holds back a scoff, "I'm not so impressed with that defense."

She feels Olivia looking at her as she turns to face the captain, feels Olivia's observant eyes wandering over her, and it would normally make her nervous, yet flattered, if she weren't so aggravated at the turns this case kept taking.

"What, you don't think it's possible that the guy was clueless?" Nick asks, leaning against the one-way glass and crossing his arms over his chest, "I mean, he genuinely might not have had any idea."

Amanda doesn't try to hide the scowl on her face, "He should've known better."

"I'll call the DA," Cragen steps in, clearing trying to placate his detectives, "Meanwhile, see what you can find on the cufflinks."

Amaro nods, sending a sideways glance at his partner when he walks past Amanda. The blonde narrows her eyes, her only sense of relief was the fact that Olivia hadn't seemed to notice, or had chosen not to respond to Nick's actions. The brunette instead makes sure that Fin has followed Amaro, the two eldest detectives having come to a silent agreement to let Olivia be with Amanda for the remainder of the case.

The blonde can tell that something's up and she directs her attention to Olivia, raising an eyebrow in question.

"What?" Amanda asks, tilting her head, "Am I missing something?"

Olivia regards her carefully, nervously tugging the bottom of her lip between perfect teeth.

"Liv, I'm not going to get upset, out with it."

The brunette is still hesitant, but she steps closer to Amanda anyway. Her mere presence has a calming effect on the blonde and Amanda can feel her defenses slipping away. She knows that she's been really aggressive with this case, and she knows it's probably fueled by the general feeling that no one was one hundred percent in Meghan's corner at first, but this was the second guy they had talked to who had admitted to taking part in illegal acts but was going to likely walk away.

What's the point of the investigation if they're never going to charge anybody?

Olivia can sense the blonde's frustration, and she's acutely aware of what Amanda is feeling, having felt it herself many times. But, at the end of the day, no matter how much she wanted to take every creep off the street, they had a responsibility to do their due diligence, and that meant innocence until guilt was proven – even for those who were just as slimy as the New York sewers.

"We just have to be careful," Olivia finally says, her voice soft, "You and I both know that these guys have no place being around vulnerable people, and as much as we want to shield everyone from them, we can't. Not yet, at least."

"But-" Amanda tries, blue eyes wide, and it's almost enough to make Olivia give up on the self-control restraint she had been cautiously exercising.

"Look, I know it's hard having to listen to them cast doubt on our victim, and we both believe Meghan, but do you remember what you told me the other night," Olivia ducks her head, a small smile tugging on her lips, "It's our job to give everyone their best shot at justice, even the ones we hate."

Amanda releases a breath, she knows Olivia is right and she briefly hates how right the woman is. When she looks back up, though, all Amanda can focus on is the softness of Olivia's features and the empathy swirling in her eyes. It makes the blonde feel as if she's the only thing Olivia cares about in this moment, and it's enough to make her frustrations melt away.

"You're right," the younger detective concedes, "I just get too emotional sometimes, I guess."

Olivia shakes her head, motioning for Amanda to follow her back into the squad room, "That's not a bad thing. In fact, when you stop getting too emotional, _that's_ when you should be worried. You're doing just fine, Amanda."

"Thanks, Liv."

The blonde steals a glance at the woman next to her and finds Olivia to be doing the same.

"You do that a lot, Rollins."

Amanda can't help but roll her eyes at the woman.

"Pipe down, Benson."


	12. 13x11 - Theatre Tricks (pt 2)

_alright, half of my end of the bargain is now fulfilled lol. i should have the next part up tonight (fingers crossed lmao). we're getting into some of that romance area but i was looking at the next episodes and i re-planned some things so i'm sorry if y'all get hurt haha._

 _as always, thank you so much for your kind comments, follows, favs, and for reading in general. it makes my heart warm :)_

 _also minnicked i love that you're caught up now at a point where i'll probably be straying away from what we see in the episodes haha, but you're still doing so good._

* * *

 **13x11 – Theatre Tricks (pt. 2)**

Amanda finishes presenting the evidence she had found concerning Meghan's case, her head spinning at all of the possibilities of guilty parties.

It looked as if Meghan's boss was setting up Judge Crane, but at the same time, there were too many holes in that logic. Either way, their attention had now shifted to the director of the theater, and Cragen instructed Fin and Amaro to go pick him up for questioning.

"Nice work," Olivia comments softly, sipping another cup of tea as she looks at the board they'd set up, "The language analysis, everything. It's really insightful."

Amanda feels herself blushing and wishes she had more control over her reactions around the brunette.

"Thanks, It's sad though. I mean, the judge, her boss, the IT guy – it's like, just pick your pervert."

Olivia only nods, having seen this far too many times to count.

"Well, Meghan is a pretty girl, new to New York. Every guy she came across probably saw her as prey," the brunette shrugs, her posture somewhat defeated as she turns to leave.

Amanda reaches out, softly grabbing Olivia's upper arm for a second to turn the woman around, "Can I ask you something?

"Go for it."

The younger detective bites the inside of her cheek briefly, "How long have you worked SVU?"

"Aha," Olivia shakes her head with a grin, "Don't ask."

"No, it's just-" Amanda looks down to her feet, not wanting to upset the other woman, but unable to hold back her curiosity.

Olivia had seen the worst of the worst, seen all the numerous ways men had exerted power or control over women in the most heinous ways possible, and yet she still remained tender to almost everyone she came in contact with. It was one of the most endearing qualities that Olivia possessed, but Amanda had no idea how she did it.

"Just what?" Olivia asks softly, her eyes searching the blonde's for an explanation.

"How do you trust any man, ever?" Amanda sighs, "I mean, after working this job day in and day out."

The brunette feels her chest tighten, "I trusted my partner."

And Olivia had, she'd trusted Elliot more than anyone at the time, but she'd also seen him lose control and no matter how hard she tried to ignore it, the fact remained that it was still unsettling. As she looked at Amanda, the brunette couldn't help but think that the blonde would never be like that. She'd never behave so barbarically, Oliva couldn't imagine Amanda ever using her stature or strength to intimidate someone as a means to an end.

No. To her, Amanda was safety.

"Yeah, okay," Amanda doesn't sound entirely convinced, "But he doesn't really count."

"I haven't lost hope, I guess. There's still good guys out there."

Amanda gets the feeling Olivia is struggling to believe her own words, and her heart softens. The other detective wants so badly to see the good in people, and though she's far from fragile, Amanda can't ignore the desire she has to wrap Olivia up in her arms and keep her away from all the ugliness in the world.

"The real question, though," Olivia moves to lean against the edge of the table, "is why take the risk, when there's _far_ better alternatives out there."

Amanda doesn't quite believe her ears, but she's offered no chance to respond. Olivia stands and walks away promptly, a shy smile gracing her features.

…

No one suspected that it would be Meghan's roommate who set her up.

The nastiness of jealousy and hate reared its head, and Amanda can't help but be unsettled by the emotionless way that Holly had confessed, even then, hatred for her roommate still burning in her eyes.

The blonde is at her desk now, finishing up her report on their investigation with half a brain, unable to understand the outcome of their case. Olivia had apparently just finished, as Amanda distracts herself easily by watching the brunette detective pack up her things for the night. Olivia catches her eye, and as soon as the woman puts on her coat, she's sitting in the chair at the edge of Amanda's desk.

Olivia says nothing, but Amanda knows that she's there to listen.

"I didn't see or hear a _shred_ of remorse," Amanda breathes, looking up at the ceiling for a moment, "With all of the abusive and disgusting men in her life, Meghan was set up by a woman."

The brunette takes a deep breath, looking down to her hands before looking back up at Amanda.

"I just didn't see it comin'."

Olivia nods sympathetically, "I know what you mean. It's hard enough out there, you'd like to think we could look out for each other."

Amanda nods and casts her gaze downward, a small smile tugging on her lips. Meghan might not have had Holly looking out for her, but Amanda swears that the woman across from her will always have someone willing to protect her. Olivia has a knowing look in her eye when Amanda finally raises her head, and she reaches over to grasp the blonde's fingers lightly before pulling away.

"Good night."

The younger detective hums in response, watching as Olivia hesitates a bit before turning to leave. Amanda can't look away from the retreating form of the other detective, feeling her own urge to keep Olivia out of harm's way rising as she watches the woman leave alone.

"Hey," Amanda calls out, causing Olivia to look back over her shoulder, "Get home safe."

The brunette nods, a soft smile tugging at the corner of her lips, "You too."

Amanda nods, watching as Olivia finally leaves the squad room, unable to tear her eyes away from the space that the woman had just occupied.

…

Amanda is nursing her third beer and mindlessly watching whatever baseball game is on that night when she hears her doorbell ring.

 _What the hell?_

With a furrowed brow, the blonde sets her drink down on the coffee table and moves towards her door. Amanda looks through the peephole and swallows thickly when she sees one uncharacteristically nervous looking Olivia Benson on the other side. The blonde looks down briefly, a string of curses fluttering through her mind at her current state of dress. Olivia is on the other side of her front door at nine o'clock at night, and Amanda is in an old sweatshirt, a pair of her running shorts that hadn't quite made it into her drawer, and fluffy socks on her feet to boot.

Inwardly groaning, Amanda still makes an effort to unlock the door quickly, not wanting to keep the brunette waiting.

"Amanda," Olivia says hastily, "I'm really sorry if I'm interrupting your night or anything, but I just-"

The blonde shakes her head, opening the door fully and motioning for Olivia to come in, "You're not interrupting anything except a pitiful performance by the Mets, come on in."

The older detective rolls her eyes as she walks past, and laughs when she feels Amanda tugging the bag in her hand.

"What's that?"

Olivia shakes her head, turning as Amanda closes the door behind her and looks back, blue eyes shining with childlike curiosity.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Olivia quips, moving out of the blonde's reach.

"Uh yeah, I would," Amanda eyes her, following the woman into her living room, "Spill the beans, Liv."

The brunette takes her time, sliding off her coat and placing it on the chair in Amanda's living room. She can feel Amanda's eyes watching her every move, and the woman's behavior makes her want to laugh. Finally, she tosses the bag to Amanda, smiling widely as the younger detective makes quick work of seeing what's inside.

"Aw, you brought me ice cream," Amanda sing songs, "I officially feel like I'm in a teenage movie."

Olivia feigns hurt, "There's nothing wrong with that you know."

"Thank you, you didn't have to," Amanda says seriously as she sets the container of birthday cake ice cream on her counter, "But I'm glad you did."

Olivia laughs, watching as the blonde hurries into her kitchen to grab a spoon. She knows that Amanda has a bit of a sweet tooth, having caught the woman bringing in donuts for everyone on occasion, and keeping all of them to herself once or twice as well. Olivia doesn't know _why_ she felt the need to bring Amanda something this late at night, and honestly, it's so unlike her that if she thinks about it too long, nerves start to take over.

But, Amanda didn't have an easy time with this last case, and if ice cream would help make it a little better, then that's what friends were for, right?

It's a feeble defense, and the brunette detective knows it, having wanted to do a lot more than bring Amanda ice cream in an effort to soothe the blonde, but she _definitely_ cannot dwell on those feelings for too long. It's too much. Olivia wrings her hands in an effort to relieve some of the stress settling in her stomach, her thoughts beginning to swim with the possibilities of her and Amanda.

They worked together, though, it wouldn't be right. Right?

Olivia regrets the three _or four_ glasses of wine she had poured herself before she came over here, in fact, they're probably the only reason she had the courage to come to Amanda's apartment in the first place. She's losing control of her mind, and it is _so_ not a good time for it.

A freezing hand wraps around hers and Olivia jumps, pulling away from the cold contact. When she looks at Amanda, the blonde is smiling wide, both of her hands now holding her bowl of ice cream.

"Jumpy?"

"No, your hands are like ice," Olivia narrows her eyes, looking over her shoulder before backing up a few steps to sit on Amanda's couch.

The blonde says nothing, just raises her eyebrows with a nod before following Olivia onto her couch.

"So, what's up?" Amanda asks through a big bite of ice cream, and the innocent behavior instantly puts a smile on Olivia's face.

"Nothing, what do you mean?"

"Well, you brought me ice cream at nine o'clock at night on your Friday instead of goin' out on a hot date," Amanda smirks briefly, "And you're also doin' that thing with your hands. You do it when you're nervous."

Olivia scoffs, "My hot date was a bottle of wine, and I brought you that because I know you had a hard time with Meghan's case."

"Did you drive here?" Amanda asks seriously, eyes now filled with concern.

"No," Olivia shakes her head, "I caught a cab, don't worry. How are you?"

The blonde shrugs, "I'm fine. It's awful to think about and I still can't believe it, but I guess you learn something every day. And I'm better now, about the boys, I mean. I understand what they were doing."

Amanda works diligently to get the last of her ice cream out of the bowl, looking up at Olivia briefly. The woman was nodding, dark eyes focused on Amanda but at the same time, not really focused on anything. The blonde sets her bowl on the coffee table and turns to Olivia, moving closer to the woman on her couch.

"How much did you drink, Liv?"

"Just enough to calm my mind down," the older detective looks down to her lap, picking at the soft material of her leggings.

"There you go again with that," Amanda stills the woman's hands with her own, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Olivia shakes her head no, pulling her left leg up to her chest and tucking the other one under her when she moves to face Amanda. She lays her head against the back of the couch, taking in the details of Amanda's face as silence falls between them.

"So, um," the blonde clears her throat, it's a bit hard to concentrate with Olivia Benson staring at her dreamily, "Did you work things out with Alex at all?"

Olivia nods, not looking away from Amanda, "We actually went ice skating the other night before we got Meghan's call. It was nice, I didn't realize how much I missed her."

"Did she leave before?" Amanda asks, realizing she actually didn't know that much about the ADA's history.

"Mmhmm. She prosecuted a rapist involved with a cartel and it got bad. They tried to kill her and she went into WITSEC for a few years."

"Wow," Amanda breathes, "That must've been hard for you."

She has the feeling that Alex was important to Olivia, more so than a friend, but Amanda knows that Olivia wasn't lying when she said she'd only been with men. Her and Alex's interactions had always been interesting to the blonde, and it was nice to finally be learning more about it. Embarrassingly enough, Amanda spent a lot more of her time trying to figure out Olivia Benson than she probably should.

"Not any harder than it was for anyone else," Olivia says seriously.

The blonde's eyes widen and she immediately tries to backpedal, "No, I mean- I didn't mean anything by it, I just-"

A grin slowly makes its way onto Olivia's face, her eyes twinkling with mischief as she watches Amanda babble.

"I hate you, sometimes," the blonde sighs, giving Olivia a light push on the shoulder.

"Why'd you get so nervous?"

It's an innocent enough question, but Amanda can see something else going on in Olivia's eyes and she doesn't know how to go about this.

"I just, you seem so close, and that's after years of being apart, I just meant that you must've been even closer before everything went down."

" _Close_ ," Olivia hums, "Like I am with you?"

Amanda gulps, "I-I mean, I wouldn't, I don't know."

Olivia moves her hand from its place on the couch cushion and rests it on the warm skin of the blonde's leg. Amanda watches as her flesh erupts in goosebumps, but makes no move to get away from Olivia's soft touch. Something's happening, and Amanda has never been so ready yet so unprepared for something in her entire life.

"I probably did have feelings for her, you know?" Olivia says abruptly, tracing patterns on the blonde's leg, "I just never entertained them. It was safer that way, easier for everyone involved."

Amanda is surprised she's able to keep her eyes from bugging out of her head, Olivia's bold confession hanging between them. _It's the alcohol talking, Amanda._ The blonde knows this, but it's still a very rare look into Olivia Benson's mind.

"Really?" the blonde asks softly, "Do you regret it?"

Olivia sighs, chocolate eyes moving slowly up Amanda's frame to lock with the blonde's own gaze.

"Sometimes. I found out a lot, though. About myself, I suppose."

The younger detective nods, "I bet."

Her breath hitches as Olivia leans closer, "I learned that I didn't want to make that mistake again."

"Liv…" Amanda whispers, twining her fingers with the hand Olivia still has on her thigh.

"I'm not imagining things, am I, Amanda?" the brunette asks quietly, ducking her head.

 _What the fuck are you doing, Olivia._ The brunette feels anxiety bubble in her chest. What is she doing? What if she's wrong? She just showed up at her co-worker's apartment late at night, invited herself in, and now she's just pouring out her feelings in one go. It's unprofessional, it's embarrassing, and _oh god_ , what if this costs her Amanda?

"Hey, don't go down any more rabbit holes," the blonde can see Olivia starting to doubt herself, so she reaches out and gently tucks a strand of dark hair behind Olivia's ear, "It's okay. You don't need to hide yourself around me."

Olivia raises her head, and she's completely void of any of her normal defenses. Amanda feels her breath catch, unable to fully comprehend what is happening. There's so much to process, so much on the line here, and on top of it, Amanda doesn't know how much of this Olivia really wants to be saying. It's piling up and piling up and Amanda feels her head spinning.

"Amanda," the brunette breathes, urging the woman to look at her, "Am I wrong?"

The blonde squeezes her eyes shut for a second before opening them, briefly wondering if she should pinch herself.

"No, Liv," Amanda shakes her head, tracing her fingers gently from their spot near Olivia's ear to her jaw, and then down the soft skin of her neck, "You're not."

Amanda feels her heartbeat pick up as Olivia leans closer, those dark eyes never leaving her own. She can feel the woman's warm breath on her own lips and before she knows it, Amanda is only centimeters away from capturing Olivia's lips with her own. She wants too, _badly_ , but this isn't right. It takes everything she has to make her voice work, and the blonde isn't entirely sure how she manages it.

"Liv, we can't."

Amanda feels her chest tighten as hurt flashes through Olivia's eyes and she can see the woman's walls sliding up.

"Stop, stop," Amanda pleads softly, tightening her grip on Olivia's hand when she tries to pull away, "Just wait a minute."

Olivia shakes her head, wrenching her hand out of Amanda's and trying to move her legs out from underneath her to stand up, "I shouldn't have said anything."

Amanda pushes herself up urgently, bravely wrapping an arm around Olivia's slim waist and tugging the woman back to her. She feels the brunette struggle briefly in her arms before giving in, and Amanda lets one of her calves dangle off of the couch so that she can hold Olivia between her legs.

"Amanda, please."

The blonde hushes her, softly squeezing Olivia's sweater-clad torso.

"I didn't stop you because you were wrong, Liv," Amanda whispers softly into dark hair, "You're not sober."

She feels Olivia tense momentarily before relaxing again, "I'm not _drunk_ , Amanda."

"That's not the point," Amanda sighs, wrapping her other arm around Olivia's body and resting her hand on the woman's stomach, "I want to be able to do this when you're one hundred percent _you_ , okay? You deserve that, and you owe it to yourself to feel whatever you want without having it affected by anything."

"I'm so _tired_ , Amanda," the brunette whispers, her voice thick, "I just want to rest."

 _Me too._

Olivia is physically tired, yes, they all are, but Amanda knows that apparently, much like herself, the toll of the overwhelming feels occupying their minds is finally hitting.

"Close your eyes, Liv," the blonde soothes, stroking the soft material of Olivia's sweater, "I'll drive you home in a little while."

Amanda feels Olivia take a deep breath and the woman's head lolls against her shoulder. The blonde looks down at Olivia's relaxed features, constantly amazed at how stunning the brunette is. She lightly tightens her arms around Olivia's waist, resting her cheek softly against dark waves.

Amanda's mind keeps flashing back to their almost kiss as she stares at the wall, and the blonde can't help but wonder just how far off the deep end she had fallen.


	13. 13x12 - Official Story

_i just want to say that i am soooo grateful for all of your responses and kind words. it makes it so much more special to be doing this with you guys, and i'm so thankful to you all for sticking around. it means the world._

 _i told you i would hurt you and i'm doing it now so in advance, i am so sorry. also I'm garbage at this type of stuff so i'm sorry for this also. i'll fix it...eventually...maybe...mwahaha (i will, but we gotta do this. i know i'm evil bc like they haven't even kissed yet but i feel like this is a legitimate problem that would arise and we need to sort it out now, as our lovely ladies will be better off for it in the long run bc_ **yes** _i promise they get together)_

 _please don't hate me._

* * *

 **13x12 – Official Story**

Olivia hadn't talked to Amanda since the blonde had driven her home the other night.

She woke up the next morning in a state of disbelief, unable to believe that the previous night had occurred. God, the brunette rubs her eyes, she had _told_ Amanda. Or at the very least, she made it pretty clear how she was feeling. It was getting so hard to control her emotions around the blonde, and Olivia felt like she was going crazy.

 _You tried to kiss her, too_.

Olivia stares harder at the file on her desk, trying to control her racing thoughts. It had always been easier to just ignore her feelings, always safer to lean on Elliot or give in to drinks with Brian. It was ten times harder if she actually sat down and tried to sift through her feelings, tried to put labels on things that she'd spent years casting away and filling the holes with work.

Amanda is making it much more challenging.

Panic rises in her chest when she thinks about the younger detective. Olivia knows that it means something, the fact that she'd never felt so safe or comfortable or cared for before Amanda, but they were colleagues, Olivia had never been with a woman, and she didn't even know if she could commit to anything. Or if Amanda wanted commitment in the first place. Maybe it was best Amanda had stopped her, she could blame the wine and move on. There was so many possibilities and yet Olivia found it easier to ignore it all in favor of their current investigation into BattleTested instead of just talking to the other woman.

So, that's how it had been.

Olivia had felt Amanda's eyes on her all day, and it was only by pure chance that the investigation had kept everyone on their feet constantly, so the blonde had no chance to snag the other woman for a private moment.

It had been confusing as hell for Amanda too, and she was about to go crazy if Olivia continued to shut herself off from everyone. Amanda knows Olivia is intensely private, and obviously it had taken a lot for the brunette to say anything to her, and even more for Olivia to consistently allow Amanda so close to her, physically _and_ emotionally. She just hated the fact that Olivia was reeling now, likely in some kind of panic, but there was nothing that could be done until they talked. It just seemed like Olivia was hell-bent on doing the exact opposite.

And then there was Haden.

The new Executive ADA, David Haden, had been brought in to assist on the case due to the high profile "kidnapping" of a high-profile figure. It was one thing to have an outsider in the precinct, it was another to catch him looking at Olivia when the brunette was occupied with something else. Amanda watched nearly all day as they worked closely, the man constantly inching closer to Olivia, and the brunette did nothing about it. Amanda knows that Olivia is flighty at times, but the blonde hopes that for once the other woman will face her feelings head on and deal with them.

It would be hard, but they were worth it, right?

…

Olivia tries to ignore the crestfallen look on Amanda's face when she accepts Haden's offer for drinks.

It had come after the doctor who worked on the base where Cory had been assaulted finally agreed to testify for the Grand Jury. The man had asked her rather publicly, and normally this type of blatant attempt would put her off, but the brunette was looking for _anything_ to distract herself from the very real feelings and conflicts that were arising in her personal life.

Olivia catches Amanda's eyes as she walks out with Haden, the ADA going on about some type of café, and she feels guilt settle in her stomach when the blonde stares at her icily for a moment before looking back to her desk.

She tries her best to focus on what Haden is saying, not wanting to be rude, but all of her thoughts end up back at Amanda. Olivia feels her phone buzz and excuses herself for a moment to look down at the illuminated screen.

 **[Amanda] We need to talk.**

Olivia sighs, locking her phone and sliding it back into her pocket without reply, _I know_.

"Please tell me you don't have to go back in," Haden finally laughs nervously, shoving his hands into his pockets.

Olivia tries her best to give a convincing smile, shaking her head as they begin to walk again, "No, we're in the clear."

He has a small smile on his face as he holds open the door for the brunette and then proceeds to call a cab. Olivia can't help but look behind her and up at the windows of the precinct, distracted once more by the thought of the blonde detective two floors up. She makes herself take the steps to where Haden stands with an open car door, but she can't help but wonder what it would be like if it were Amanda that she was getting drinks with.

Haden seems to sense that Olivia's in her own world, and the cab ride to the café he had talked about is silent.

They finally make it in, and Haden goes to get their drinks while Olivia finds a seat.

"So…" the attorney breathes, sliding into the booth next to her.

The brunette detective rams all thoughts of anything besides their case and the man before her out of her mind.

"So?" Olivia echoes, trailing her finger around the rim of her glass.

"Did I live up to the SVU standards?" Haden smiles, "Or am I still just a personal image pawn?"

Olivia chuckles, "I have to admit, we weren't sure about you at first."

"We?"

" _I_ ," she corrects, "but…"

He takes a drink, "You can trust me you know, I'm an attorney."

Olivia nods, a smile tugging on her lips, "I don't know if you could tell, but I can be a little testy working with new people."

"I can be somewhat testy with my kids," Haden jokes, flashing a wide smile.

"You have kids?" Olivia's curiosity peaks, the brunette had always kept a place in her heart for children.

He nods, "Boy and a girl. They live with the ex-wife in Cobble Hills."

Olivia feels herself falter for a second. It's a small thing, but she hates when people are so casual about someone they loved, or at least cared enough about to raise children with. " _The_ ex" or " _the_ wife," instead of the more personal " _my_." She knows that not all marriages end amicably, and of course some people need to distance themselves from unhealthy relationships, but she doesn't get that vibe from Haden. From him, it seemed more flippant.

He pulls her out of her silence, "You?"

"Me," Olivia looks down to her glass, feeling sadness creep into her heart, "Uh, I'm just getting over something."

 _And into something?_

Once again, Olivia's wrapped up in a vortex of the past few weeks. Her thoughts go to Elliot and the immense loss she felt when he left, the same gaping loss in her life that had been filled by Amanda. Filled with warm touches, caring looks, and the intimacy they had shared recently, it was filled with the conversations of their pasts, their feelings, the _attraction_. Olivia looks up at Haden for a second and she can't ever imagine doing those things with him, not anymore. The brunette detective only has one image pop into her mind when she thinks of a relationship now, and it's Amanda.

"Aren't we all?" Haden muses, casting a sideways glance at his obviously distracted drinking partner, "Can you stay for another round?"

Olivia gives him a sympathetic smile, "You know, I'm sorry, but um…how about we call it a night?"

"You need a clear head for the jury tomorrow, huh?" Haden tries to joke, but he knows Olivia's mind isn't busy with thoughts of a jury.

He wishes she would be more occupied with him, but it would appear that's not the case tonight.

"Thank you," Olivia says softly, grabbing her coat, "I appreciate the drinks."

"My pleasure. Maybe we could do it again?"

Part of her wants to shake her head no, that this isn't going anywhere, ever, but Olivia knows that at the end of the day, Haden is safe. No matter how much she hates herself for it, Olivia feels her reply bubbling out of her throat.

"Sure," she smiles, "I'd like that."

The ADA looks relieved, and grins. He respectfully hails her a cab before managing an awkward 'goodbye' as he turns to find his own ride.

Olivia slides into the back seat, reciting the precinct's address to the driver so she could go back for her car. She pays the cab driver when they arrive before hopping out, searching her purse for her car keys.

 _Damn it._

They're upstairs in her desk and Olivia groans, not wanting to deal with the slight inconvenience. She wants to go _home_ and _sleep_ and forget about everything going on. Olivia trudges up the front steps and into the building, flashing her badge to the on duty uniformed officer before stepping into the elevator.

The doors open and Olivia seriously debates turning around and taking a cab home. Amanda's still at her desk, pouring over some type of file with a steaming cup of coffee or tea next to her. Olivia steps out quietly, not wanting to draw attention to herself just yet. She takes in the appearance of the younger detective, and her heart drops when she realizes there's an uncharacteristic hunch to the woman's shoulders, she looks miserable, and Olivia knows that the blonde likely won't be getting much sleep tonight. She knows this has everything to do with _them_ and it feels like shit.

Steadying her breath, Olivia makes her way into the squad room, surprised when Amanda does little to acknowledge her presence. The brunette tries to shake it off, walking past the other detective to grab her keys out of her desk drawer. The whole time Amanda stays silent, never looking up from her papers. Olivia's on her way out, and she knows that if she wants to continue her current strategy of distancing herself, she ought to just keep walking, but the brunette can't help herself. She stops behind Amanda once she's almost past and places her hand lightly on the woman's shoulder.

Distress washes over her as Amanda moves away from the touch.

"Amanda…"

"Don't, Olivia," the blonde sighs, "It's okay."

"It's not, you need to go home."

Amanda laughs but it's hollow, "I _know_ what I need, thank you."

Olivia knows the meaning behind her words, and she aches to reach out again to the younger woman. Amanda had said she felt something too, and Olivia hated her inexplicable need to pull away from their increasing closeness.

"Is Haden waiting for you?"

Olivia's features soften, hurt flashing briefly through her eyes as she shakes her head, "No, Amanda. I wouldn't-"

"Yeah, how am I supposed to know?" Amanda leans back, rubbing her eyes, "Please just go, Olivia. I want to finish this up and I can't do it while you're standing there. You obviously didn't want to talk earlier, and I'm busy now, so can we just not?"

The brunette bites her lip and tries desperately to ignore the burning in her eyes, "Okay."

Amanda hears Olivia walk away and she releases a strangled breath, laying her head down on her desk. She knows that she shouldn't have been so dismissive, should've just talked to Olivia now that she finally had the chance, but her hurt and anger got the best of her. One night Olivia is about to kiss her on her couch, admitting to having feelings for her, and a day later she's going out with a guy she just met? Amanda's all for going after what you want, but the blonde refuses to let her feelings become a casualty.

A single tear drops onto the papers in front of her and Amanda furiously wipes her eyes, trying to focus on anything except for the woman she had just pushed away.

…

Olivia and Amanda don't talk that night, or the next day.

Despite this, and no matter how far apart they may drift, Amanda knows that she will never stop caring about Olivia Benson. When the brunette detective returns to the squad room the next night, her apartment having been ransacked by BattleTested hires, Amanda can't help but move her eyes over Olivia's form, assuring herself that Olivia is in fact okay. She can tell by the brunette's body language that she's upset, more so than she's letting on, and Amanda feels her heart ache.

How dare _anyone_ violate Olivia's privacy, her safety, like that?

Maybe it's childish, but Amanda selfishly feels the _need_ to be around Olivia, _needs_ to make sure the woman is safe tonight, and deep down she knows they still need to talk. She works up her confidence for a moment before pushing herself out of her chair and moving towards Cragen's office.

"Hey," the blonde says, somewhat awkwardly, "I just, uh, could I borrow Benson for a second?"

Cragen nods, "Yeah, we just finished up. Watch your back, Rollins, at least until we get these bastards."

Amanda nods, "You got it."

She turns to leave then, and the blonde can feel dark eyes burning into her back. Thankfully, the older detective follows Amanda as she walks back to where their desks are, and Amanda leans against her own for a moment before bravely lifting her head to meet Olivia's intense stare.

"What do you need, Amanda?" Olivia says softly, and the blonde expected a lot more fight from the woman.

Amanda doesn't care in that moment about what's going on with them, her only concern is Olivia's wellbeing.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," Amanda answers softly, "That you were safe."

"I'm fine, Amanda."

It's not a total lie, but Olivia doesn't want to think about the violation of her space that she had come home to. The fear that she had felt was intense, and as she had to clear her own apartment, gun drawn, Olivia knew the only place she would feel safe that night was with Amanda. She can't just say that, though, no fuel needs to be added to their fire.

Amanda chews the inside of her cheek, nervously tossing the words around in her mind before she speaks them, "Will you stay with me tonight? It's better than the cribs, and I- well, I would feel a lot better."

Olivia feels her resolve crack, the icy stare she had received last night now completely gone, leaving only the worry and care that she had become accustomed to seeing in Amanda's eyes.

Was it a dangerous line to be tip-toeing right now? Maybe, but all of their feelings aside, Olivia needed to feel safe right now and Amanda was exactly the person to give that to her. It seems like hours to Amanda before the brunette finally answers, dark painted nails beginning to pick at one another.

"Okay," Olivia finally says, her voice soft and somewhat unsure.

Amanda nods, reaching out and grabbing Olivia's hands with her own, "Stop that."

The brunette feels a small smile tugging on her lips at the familiarity of their interaction.

"Are you ready to go?" Amanda asks, slinging her coat over her arm.

Olivia nods, "Just let me grab my bag."

Amanda watches as Olivia moves gracefully despite the amount of stress she's under and the blonde can't help the feeling of affection that blooms in her chest. Olivia finally makes her way back to Amanda's desk and they walk in silence to the blonde's car, the ride to Amanda's apartment not much different.

Olivia is acutely aware of the last time she had been in Amanda's apartment, and the recent nature of the events cause anxiety to compound in Olivia's stomach. She says nothing as she follows Amanda into her building and eventually into the blonde's unit.

Amanda can sense Olivia's uneasiness, and though she too feels it, the blonde wants Olivia to be comfortable.

"You can set your stuff wherever, I'll go get you something to sleep in," Amanda breathes, tossing her keys onto the counter before leaving Olivia alone in the kitchen while she goes to her bedroom.

The blonde returns a moment later, a simple navy cotton tee and a pair of sweatpants in hand. Despite her advantage in height, Olivia really isn't much bigger than Amanda, and to the blonde, it's Olivia's more than anything that makes her seem more intimidating.

"Here you go," Amanda places the clothes in Olivia's hands, "The bathroom is down the hall and you can sleep in my bed. I'll take the couch."

"Amanda-"

The blonde silence's Olivia's protests, "Don't fight me on it, Liv. You're sleeping in my bed, and that's that. I'll survive on the couch."

Olivia wants to fight it, but she can see the determination in Amanda's eyes and knows it's no use.

 _Will you at least sleep in there with me?_

It would be so easy to let the words roll off her tongue, but Olivia knows that there's enough confusion and insecurity in the air as it is.

"Can we, uh, I mean, do you think we could talk," Amanda mumbles out, locking eyes with Olivia, "When you're done changing, I mean."

Olivia opens her mouth, and the blonde can tell she's about to protest.

"Look, we might as well since you're here, and I can't take this limbo anymore."

Amanda can tell Olivia is debating with herself, whether to lock down and close herself off or not. Finally, Olivia takes a deep breath and nods, it's her only response before she retreats to the bathroom to change. The blonde breathes a sigh of relief, but at the same time all of her nerves seem to rush through her body. Olivia is an intense person and confronting something like the nature and future of their relationship wouldn't be easy, but it needed to be done.

Amanda needs to know if she's going to get her heart broken or not.

She hears the soft click of her bathroom door being closed as Olivia emerges, face now free of makeup and Amanda feels a rush of affection flow through her veins as she takes in this much softer version of the woman. Olivia gingerly places her folded clothes on top of her purse before sliding onto one of the stools by Amanda's counter and turning to face the blonde.

"You wanted to talk," Olivia's shaky voice filters through the room, "Let's talk."

Amanda moves closer to the brunette, leaning against the column of her wall that supported the end of the counter, no more than a foot away from Olivia.

"Why'd you ignore me earlier?" Amanda asks softly, searching Olivia's mocha eyes, "Why've you been avoiding me that past couple of days? It's been awful."

"We've been busy, Amanda. And I was busy earlier," the brunette answers shortly, but she knows it won't hold.

Surprisingly, Amanda lets the first part go, zeroing in on the latter part of Olivia's response, "Busy with Haden?"

Olivia looks away, "We just got drinks, Amanda."

"That's the end of it? He didn't ask you out again?"

The brunette wants to lie, knows that the truth will hurt Amanda, but she doesn't have to say anything.

"Of course," the blonde scoffs, "It's obvious he likes you, you know?"

"So?" Olivia challenges.

Amanda feels her irritation rise, " _So_ , you almost kissed me two nights ago, Olivia. You said you felt things for me. Then you go and ignore me for two days? Start going out with Haden? What the hell? Do my feelings on the topic not matter?"

Olivia knows she deserves the blonde's anger, knows that she's made a mess of the situation. She could end it now, could just admit it was all a giant mistake, an attempt to push off dealing with her own emotions, but Olivia feels her defenses take over. She can end this now, she can walk away and never have to deal with it like she did with Alex. It would be excruciating, and the idea of hurting Amanda has her stomach in knots, but Olivia feels her resolve slipping away.

It would be easier, right? Safer?

"I had been drinking, Amanda. I made a mistake."

The blonde laughs callously, "Bullshit, Olivia. Why are you so afraid of dealing with your feelings?"

"I'm not _afraid_ ," Olivia spits, "There's nothing to deal with."

" _You_ said you had feelings for me, _you_ asked if I felt it too. I do, Olivia. Why are you trying to run from it?" Amanda tries, emotion seeping into her voice.

"It was a _mistake_ , Amanda." Olivia insists, the lie tasting bitter on her tongue, "I don't know how else to say it."

The blonde shakes her head, "You're trying play it safe, just like you did with Alex. Damn it, Olivia, for once why don't you do something besides what's easiest?!"

Amanda watches as Olivia's eyes harden, and she briefly wonders if she's pushed her too far.

"It was a _mistake_ , Amanda. I'm sorry."

Somehow Olivia's eerily calm voice is worse than her fury would be, and the younger detective just nods, the look in Olivia's eyes letting her know that the woman has made up her mind for the night.

"I guess it's just your world and we're all living in it, huh?" Amanda's words are venomous, "You say and do what you want without regard for my feelings, I'm just collateral damage?"

 _Gods, no, you're so much more than that, Amanda._ Olivia wants to cry, wants to take all of it back, wants to sink into Amanda's arms, but she can't. The damage has been done, and she _has_ to keep moving forward. _It's what's best for both of you, Olivia. You could make her lose her job. You could break her heart_. The brunette blinks back tears, casting her eyes downward.

"I'm sorry, Amanda. I-"

The younger detective narrows her eyes, flicking off the kitchen lights and crossing her arms over her chest, "No, you're right. I was tired, you were drinking. We were both wrong."

Amanda wordlessly stalks over to her couch, plunging the room into darkness save for the light in the hallway.

"The switch is at the end of the hall, I'll be here if you need anything."

"Thank you," Olivia chokes out, feeling as if she would tear at the seams any minute.

"Don't mention it."

There's a finality in Amanda's words that lets Olivia know the blonde is done talking for tonight. Olivia feels no better about their situation than before, and pushing Amanda away had only made the whole thing worse. The blonde's hurt features are burned into her mind, and Olivia has never felt more alone. As she casts one last look at the blonde detective, now curled into a ball on her couch, Olivia replays Amanda's words in her head and is unable shake the feeling that she'd just made one of the worst decisions in her life.

 _"We were both wrong."_


End file.
